Penname: Alopex [Contact]
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Member Since: 12 Jul 2016
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Reviews by Alopex

Smells like Teen Spirit by bsk

Fandom: Harry Potter Universe, Harry Potter Universe > Next-Generation (2009-2040) · Rating: Mature Audiences · Incomplete Novel (50,000+ words)
25 Reviews · 14 likes · 318 reads


 

stunning banner by choobacca @ tda.

 

 

SXECYMh.png

 

She’s blunt, cynical and alluring.

 

He’s cocky, bold, and far too handsome for his own good.   

 

      But maybe a little bit of darkness was needed to see the stars.

 

      Zara Patil-Preece / James Potter II



Characters: James Sirius Potter

Pairings: James Sirius Potter/OC (HP)

Story Length: 5 chapters (33887 words)

HPFT Forum House: Slytherin

Series: None

Published: 29 Jan 2019 · Updated: 26 Feb 2019


Reviewer: Alopex Signed
Date: 02 Mar 2019 · Title: Chapter 1: The One with the Introduction


Hello! I am here to fill your review request from the Staff Review Thread. The two things you mentioned as areas of concern were content and characterization.

I only read this first chapter, so I feel like that might not be the ideal chapter in a lot of stories to read to get an idea of characterization. This definitely serves as an introductory chapter, especially at the beginning, so there's a lot more listing of traits/facts and working in details about the characters in this chapter than there are likely to be in subsequent chapters. There were a few times (like when the siblings were calling each other by their whole names, and a few other of the family details) when I thought some of the information sharing was a little unnatural. However, you did work it into conversation/description fairly naturally most of the time, especially things that were related to characters' clothing and appearance.

My least favorite thing about this chapter was actually that there were so many characters! Especially at the beginning, I was struggling to keep them straight. I actually think it was a good thing that you worked the party into this chapter, even though it did make it pretty long, because that allowed you to show the characters interacting with each other more. I think that got past a bit of the introductory content and started to flesh the characters out, so that the chapter ends with the characters feeling more like people than fact sheets, if that makes sense. I was feeling more comfortable with which character was which by the end. Next Gen has a really big potential cast of characters anyway, and everyone has a slightly different interpretation of them, so it's definitely a challenge to introduce so many of them.

Speaking of which, I really like that your main character isn't a Potter or Weasley! There definitely are other Next Gen characters to explore, and I like it when people branch out to less common characters (regardless of era, it's something I enjoy).




True Accounts by Chelts-rhj

Fandom: Harry Potter Universe, Harry Potter Universe > Next-Generation (2009-2040) · Rating: Teen Audiences · Completed Challenge Entry
4 Reviews · 2 likes · 96 reads


awesome banner by Starbuck

 


 

Edward Remus Lupin. Teddy. Son of Nymphadora a.k.a Tonks and Remus Lupin. Godson to Harry Potter, The Chosen One. Metamorphmagus. Hufflepuff. Writer. Bartender... Convicted Murderer.

 




Characters: Teddy Lupin

Pairings: Teddy Lupin/Victoire Weasley (HP)

Story Length: 1 chapters (3849 words)

HPFT Forum House: Ravenclaw

Genre: Crime/Mystery

Themes: Lycanthropy

Inclusivity: None

Advisories: Domestic Abuse, Violence
Series: None

Published: 13 Sep 2018 · Updated: 15 Sep 2018


Reviewer: Alopex Signed
Date: 29 Oct 2018 · Title: Chapter 1: True Accounts


Hello, I am here for your review from the Staff Review Thread. :)

It's quite interesting to have a story that's all dialogue. I wrote one once that was no dialogue (except for the final sentence), and it's difficult to stick to a choice like that. I think that all dialogue is more difficult because you don't have the freedom to describe the setting like you normally would.

In this case, I don't think that's a drawback at all, because the focus is all on Teddy's mind and what's going on in there. His surroundings (which we can obviously deduce to be some kind of interrogation room or something similar--and which would be stripped down and not terribly interesting anyway) aren't that important.

An interrogation or interview is also an ideal set-up for a dialogue-only story, because the question and answer format allows you to describe things in a way that doesn't typically come up in a normal conversation.

Anyway, all that is my way of saying I think you did a good job of pulling off the no dialogue stylistic choice.

I didn't feel sorry for Teddy at all in this story. I'm not sure if he's meant to be a sympathetic character or not. I suppose the interviewer does not feel sorry for him, so that may be why we as readers don't feel much sympathy for him, despite his own self-pity. I'm also glad you didn't present his werewolf traits as an excuse for what he did.

I've never given a whole lot of thought to Metamorphmagi, to be honest. It makes sense that they might accidentally change appearance when they are not concentrating or are highly emotional--much like another magical outburst.

Adding in his father's werewolf status is an interesting choice to explore (I don't read Next Gen much, so I don't know if this is a common thing in Next Gen stories). I know Remus was worried about the effect his being a werewolf could have on his child. Even though he has some werewolf traits in this story, putting some of his behavior outside his control, he's also clearly made some bad choices (such as drinking to excess).




Radioactive by magemadi

Fandom: The 100 · Rating: Mature Audiences · Incomplete Novella (under 50,000 words)
2 Reviews · 0 likes · 47 reads


Banner by Newt Scamander. @TDA. 

 

Bellamy and Clarke constantly butted heads as they tried to lead the 100 under the watchful eye of Abby and Kane until they take things into their own hands in Mount Weather. What happens after Clarke leaves Camp Jaha and Bellamy is left alone to help govern their people and deal with the repercussions of the actions they took together?


Season 3 speculation fic. 



Series: None

Published: 04 Jul 2018 · Updated: 05 Jul 2018


Reviewer: Alopex Signed
Date: 01 Oct 2018 · Title: Chapter 1: Pain


I'm here to fill the staff review request you made *hides head in shame* about 6 weeks ago.

First off, I have absolutely zero knowledge about The 100, so I am probably not the best person to be reviewing this. Keep that in mind. :P

At the beginning of this chapter, I didn't know a single thing about The 100. Due to hints that you left in this first chapter, I now have a couple of rudimentary guesses. It seems like there is a group of people (? beings?) who have come to a radioactive/possibly-post-apocalyptic Earth from space, and there's been a lot of bad stuff that has happened, one of which is that 100 of them have died so far. Or else that their group is 100 in size. (I'm not sure which of those two.)

As a person not familiar with the fandom, I found the number of characters introduced in this chapter to be confusing. However, I think that someone familiar with the fandom wouldn't necessarily have that issue, because when I think about reading a Harry Potter fic in which a bunch of characters are listed in the first chapter, those characters are familiar to me, and I don't necessarily like having them explained to me.

I definitely thought that the name of this chapter was very apropos for the events that occurred in it. The two POV characters were both experiencing a great deal of emotional pain, and one of them at least is experiencing physical discomfort and pain as well. For Clarke, at least, I see her physical pain as a self-inflicted punishment. She's already beating herself up mentally and experiencing a lot of pain and trauma and guilt, and she seems to think she deserves the physical pain. At least, that's what I got out of it.

I hope that Clarke winds up with a happier resolution in your story. I liked her well enough despite all the angst and not knowing her backstory to want that for her.

Author's Response:

Hi Holly, thank you so much for reviewing this, even with the delay, as my response is even more delayed! :P

The 100 is post-apocalypse Earth where they live in space but have sent 100 juvenile delinquets down to the surface 100 years after the nuclear war to see if it is survivable. This is a post-season 3 fic, so there's been a LOT of conflict with their group and those who had survived on the ground and rebuilt society after it was safe to live on the ground again with much more rudimentary civilization structure. Somehow the titles for the chapters here came so easily, and the connection you pull with "Pain" and what the characters are experiencing is exactly what I was going for! Clarke is definitely beating herself up over what happened in Mount Weather still and all of the people whose lives she's taken for the sake of her own people. 

Thanks for the review! :) 

~Madi




A Birthright Denied by pookha

Fandom: Harry Potter Universe, Harry Potter Universe > Founders Era (900-1100) · Rating: Teen Audiences · Completed Challenge Entry, One-Shot
3 Reviews · 1 likes · 201 reads



Godric makes a trip to try to convince Salazar to return to Hogwarts.  This was a Featured Story for Staff Challenge 2 at HPFF.  

Fabulous banner by SwissMiss@TDA.



Characters: Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Salazar Slytherin

Pairings: Helga Hufflepuff/Salazar Slytherin (HP)

Story Length: 1 chapters (1960 words)

HPFT Forum House: Slytherin

Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst

Themes: Breakups, Discrimination, Family

Inclusivity: None

Advisories: Violence
Series: None

Published: 11 Jun 2017 · Updated: 11 Jun 2017


Reviewer: Alopex Signed
Date: 01 Aug 2018 · Title: Chapter 1: A Birthright Denied


This story had great spooky touches without being scary -- but I bet on screen, it would be a lot more eerie. Gor example, the pointed fingernails, the whole atmosphere of the slimy bridge across the moat, the giant snakes/wyrms...

Godric was the typical questing hero type in this story, and it was Salazar who was the most interesting to me. You wrote him such that his desperation and weirdness just dripped off the page. Huddling behind walls devising traps for visitors, with only snakes for company, hasn't done much for his mental health, that's for sure.

I don't know if you meant it this way, but the ending seemed slightly hopeful to me, as if there was a bit of redemption for Salazar at the end of his life.

Author's Response:

I definitely did mean it to be a bit of redemption for Salazar at the end. It was supposed to show that family can count for more than ideology, but sometimes it may still be too late.

It was also meant to be kind of video-gamish, and I can see how you would think it would be good on screen. It was also meant to be a very minor hero's quest and show Godric getting through it. 

 

Glad you enjoyed it.




Behind His Desk by sinnersandsapphics

Fandom: Harry Potter Universe, Harry Potter Universe > Second Wizarding War (1995-1998) · Rating: All Audiences · Completed One-Shot
3 Reviews · 2 likes · 161 reads


For theghostofhislastlaugh’s First Day of TermChallenge | Banner by beyond the rain @ TDA



 


The world is wrong.


 



Characters: Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall, Severus Snape

Pairings: None

Story Length: 1 chapters (722 words)

HPFT Forum House: Hufflepuff

Genre: Angst

Themes: Dying/Grieving

Inclusivity: None

Advisories: None
Series: None

Published: 31 Oct 2016 · Updated: 31 Oct 2016


Reviewer: Alopex Signed
Date: 01 Aug 2018 · Title: Chapter 1: Behind His Desk


I came across this story while hiding things for the finale scavenger hunts, and I made note of it to return to it. Many years ago, I read a story in which a portrait was a pretty important character, and though I can no longer remember the details beyond that, it really fascinated me. It's an interesting puzzle in the HP Universe: what is it like to be a portrait, and how much of their former selves do they retain?

I liked that you had Dumbledore being fuzzy about things. He's definitely a shadow of himself here--which I think is appropriate, considering this is his portrait. It's sad that he's haunted by the students he feels he failed (I assume that's what the list is? Since Harry is on it too, and presumably is still alive?), but on the other hand, I'm glad to see him this way. He tried to play god, really, so seeing he has regrets and, in the end, can't remain above it all gives him a touch of humanity.

I also liked that Snape's portrait-self visited him, even if he wasn't in the mood for conversation.




Mr. Borgin and the Twenty-Five Knuts by Pixileanin

Fandom: Harry Potter Universe, Harry Potter Universe > Rebuilding (1998-2009) · Rating: All Audiences · Completed One-Shot
6 Reviews · 2 likes · 112 reads


After the Second Wizarding War, Knockturn Alley commerce has taken a turn for the worse.

 

For Sapphicsunrise's "The Vocational Challenge"

February 2018



Characters: None

Pairings: None

Story Length: 1 chapters (2023 words)

HPFT Forum House: Gryffindor

Genre: General, Humor

Themes: Careers

Inclusivity: None

Advisories: None
Series: None

Published: 04 Feb 2018 · Updated: 26 Jun 2019


Reviewer: Alopex Signed
Date: 30 Jun 2018 · Title: Chapter 1: Mr. Borgin and the Twenty-Five Knuts


The Vocational Challenge is my favorite one to come along in a long time, mainly because I find these kinds of stories really interesting. It's fun to read about people who have chosen an unusual profession and are passionate about it or who have a little shop or business they care deeply about.

Borgin and Burke are and interesting pair to write about. I don't know enough about them to feel either unsympathetic or sympathetic—by which I mean that as I was reading, I could understand why customers had abandoned them (even the ones not arrested) but still be rooting for them to succeed.

I enjoyed the detail about the readometer, which I am imagining as a combination between a thermostat and a water meter. How wizards do or do not pay for certain things (which they theoretically could perhaps make or provide with magic) is an interesting problem that I have wondered about quite a few times.

I think what I enjoyed most in this story was how fussy Borgin was about certain things, and how it was obvious how much he loved his shop and the weird things he sells—qnd then how incongruous it was to have kids pouring in to buy the album! It amused me, and I liked the brainstorming for future release parties at the end. I guess they really are salesmen at heart!

I also enjoyed the mentions of Florean Fortescue because for some inexplicable reason, I like him. :P It was also interesting to see how in your story, the shop owners in Diagon Alley all know each other a little. :)

Author's Response:

Hi Alo!

Thanks for stopping in on my little story.  I had fun reimagining the shop after the war.  They just need to diversify, that's all.  Lol!  I loved making up the readometer bit.  I needed something that would make their financial stress a little more 'real' for the rest of us, and still be quirky and fun... for us, not for them.  Haha.  Mr. Borgin is a very premeditated sort.  He likes things ship shape, and the teaming teens drove him batty!  I love Florean Fortescue too, and I don't know why either??

 

Thanks for your words!  I'm glad you liked my story!

 

Pix




by

Fandom: Orphan · Rating: · Incomplete None
Reviews · likes · 0 reads




Characters: None

Pairings: None

Story Length: 0 chapters (0 words)

HPFT Forum House: None

Genre: None

Themes: None

Inclusivity: None

Advisories: None
Reviewer: Alopex Signed
Date: 29 Apr 2018 · Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1


I am here to fill the request you posted in the staff review thread. :)

The Marauders era is honestly my least favorite. However, reading about Regulus was nice, so I didn't even mind the era at all. I really enjoy more obscure/less popular characters, because I think authors have a lot of freedom with them, and often, I personally find it yields a more interesting (to me) story. I am also a sucker for missing moments type stories.

Regulus stealing the locket is a scene I have always wondered about, so reading your take on it was cool. You did a good job of showing what we know from Dumbledore and Harry's experience but telling it from the POV of the potion drinker. His reflections and things the potion made him see/remember made s ense to me.

In your request, you specifically asked about flow. The beginning of the story felt like it flowed less naturally, and then it picked up once Regulus actually got to the cave. I think the difference is because the beginning part was more intro/backstory stuff to lead up to the main important scene, and sometimes it's hard to squeeze that into a one shot.

Overall, I thought you did a good job of fleshing Regulus out and conveying some of the pressures and fears he was experiencing. I also liked the little flashes of personality you gave to Kreacher.

Author's Response: Hey Alo, Thanks you so much for reading the story. You and I are a bit the same when it comes to the more obscure/less popular characters. They are the ones I tend to favor when writing. Most popular I go is the Marauders because that is a place we certainly differ. In a lot of ways my fanfic writing really started in Marauder's era and I feel it was before they were overly popular. (I feel like I'm trying to be hipster in saying I liked them before they were cool but that isn't my aim at all!) Anyway I'm glad the story flows as a whole, I worried a good deal about the flash backs and memories that happen later in the story so I'm glad they didn't stick out as too jarring or stilted, I worried that in trying to convey certain things about Regulus that it would not flow naturally. I cannot express how many times I typed and retyped the end of this tale. While the review was requested, I greatly appreciate you taking the time to read and leave your thoughts!




Time Well Spent by pookha

Fandom: Harry Potter Universe, Harry Potter Universe > Rebuilding (1998-2009) · Rating: Mature Audiences · Completed One-Shot
1 Reviews · 0 likes · 42 reads


Harry suffers a terrible breakup with Ginny and starts to spend more time with Luna. A 'Seventh Year' story.



Characters: Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, Ron Weasley

Pairings: Harry Potter/Luna Lovegood (HP)

Story Length: 1 chapters (3700 words)

HPFT Forum House: None

Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Romance

Themes: Addiction, Breakups, Friends to Lovers, Holidays

Inclusivity: None

Advisories: Substance Abuse
Series: None

Published: 02 Jul 2017 · Updated: 02 Jul 2017


Reviewer: Alopex Signed
Date: 02 Mar 2018 · Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1


This is for your review request in the staff review thread back in (I'm ashamed to say it!) OCTOBER.

First of all, you already know that I have long been a fan of the way you write Luna. What I like so much is that do justice to her eccentricity without overdoing it. That's the easy part to latch on to, and it is an important part of her character, but I never feel like she's a one dimensional character when you write her.

I thought the three styles of painting were a good representation of something Luna might do, and it was a nice extension of the fact we know her bedroom walls/ceiling are covered in paintings. :)

I thought you did well with the other characters too. I'm used to reading (or thinking of) Harry in the third person, I guess because of the books, but I was drawn into the first person pretty quickly.

I could feel how wrenching it was for Harry not to visit the Burrow that Christmas. Ouch. I think you did well portraying his tendency to be moody and self-pitying, but also the fact that he can move past that with the help of his friends.

All around, I enjoyed characterization and the palpable emotions in this story.

Author's Response:

No worries about how long it took to get to this. I took me a long time to respond.

 

Thank you for the review and I'm glad you liked it and my characterization of Luna and Harry. I really think that's one of my strengths and I'm glad that others think so too and more importantly enjoy the story!

Yeah, Harry has a hard time with his emotions sometimes and I think that's why I always was drawn to H/L. I think she'd be a better match for him that way than Ginny would have been.




by

Fandom: Orphan · Rating: · Incomplete None
Reviews · likes · 0 reads




Characters: None

Pairings: None

Story Length: 0 chapters (0 words)

HPFT Forum House: None

Genre: None

Themes: None

Inclusivity: None

Advisories: None
Reviewer: Alopex Signed
Date: 28 Jan 2018 · Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1


I am not intimately familiar with the details of the fairytale/folklore you reference here, but I read a book a few months ago in which the author said in their author note that there was such a story in Japanese folklore which served as one of her inspirations for writing the book. :)

I like this take on the aftermath of Bill's injury in the final battle. It could have gone this way, or at least been more dramatic than we saw in the book, as I think it's not uncommon for people to feel very insecure about and traumatized by physically scarring injuries.

I liked choosing a fox for Bill. It's like he puts his own spin on the wolf aspect, showing he is hurt/affected, but not fully so. I can also see a lanky redhead who works as a cunning Cursebreaker identifying with a fox. :)

Author's Response:

Hi, Holly, it's a great honor to be stopped by you. When I took Sian's story challenge, the song, the idea, the image of the fox popped in my mind, and while finishing this story, I thought of the idea, "Oh, Holly likes fox, it might be good if I would dedeicate this to her."

 

Japanese folklore you says might be Nankichi Niimi's works written for children, "Gon, the Little Fox (Gongitsune)", a very sad story or "Buying the Mittens (Tebukuro wo kai ni)" about a mother fox and a child. 

 

As J.K.Rowling didn't write how Bill and Fleur felt about his injuries in detail, I thought it might be interesting if I would write about their feeling at that time.

 

Yeah, I agree with the idea, Bill sometimes becomes or needs to be cunning around his job as a cursebreaker.  :D  So my plot, his animagus is fox sounds plausible, right?  :P

 

 




The Red Dragon Shall Rise Again (Y Ddraig Goch Ddyry Cychwyn) by pookha



banner by PINKhairedLOVER from TDA

A wounded land cries out for a king; a true king. When the time is right the Red Dragon Shall Rise Again.

Written for Alopex's Four Season's Challenge at eHPF. Each chapter will be tied together with an underlying theme of Arthurian legend. Each chapter will also be set in a different era. May contain spoilers from 'Fantastic Beasts.'



Genre: AU, Drama, Romance

Themes: Discrimination, Family, Fate/Prophecy, War

Inclusivity: None

Advisories: Slurs, Sexual Content, Substance Abuse, Violence
Series: None

Published: 23 Feb 2017 · Updated: 24 Feb 2017


Reviewer: Alopex Signed
Date: 24 Oct 2017 · Title: Chapter 3: Winter


I think this may be my favorite chapter yet. I really enjoyed Ginny as a character here. I am sorry to be groaning just a little at the likely ship revealed at the end, but I am open to being convinced! You're good at making things work. I am actually almost wanting to see the details of what comes next, rather than skipping to another time period!

I liked the parts when Ginny was interacting with Luna. As you know, I have always enjoyed your portrayals of Luna, so it seems fitting you brought her into this story, especially as we know Ginny and Luna did know each other before Harry became aware of her existence. Luna is also so quirky that it makes a certain amount of sense to use her as a source of obscure information, as you did here.

I liked that Ginny asked Seamus first, though. That made sense. The bit with Dean was amusing, and I liked it.

Sometimes time skipping can be a little irritating or hard to follow in a chapter, but I didn't feel that way here.

Nicely done, and I am still chipping away at this story, haha. :P

Author's Response:

My wife always laughs when I say, "I've got a review from Alopex!" She knows who you are from back in the day, as well, so she gets it when I announce that. 

 

Thanks again for reading this. I LOVE writing Luna as you know, and I thought that she would be where Ginny might go if Hermione wasn't available. Seamus just seemed the most likely person to ask first. Dean is so jealous, it's hard not to write him that way.

 

You are correct, it's a Draco/Ginny ship, but don't expect gushy love story, as that's not me.

 

You will see Ginny and Draco in the next chapter before it goes Next-Gen, since it sets it up,

 

Glad you are still working your way through this and that you enjoyed this chapter. I think the next chapter is okay, and the last chapter is weak, but I'm glad it's behind me now.




by

Fandom: Orphan · Rating: · Incomplete None
Reviews · likes · 0 reads




Characters: None

Pairings: None

Story Length: 0 chapters (0 words)

HPFT Forum House: None

Genre: None

Themes: None

Inclusivity: None

Advisories: None
Reviewer: Alopex Signed
Date: 20 Oct 2017 · Title: Chapter 1: Things Fall Apart


First off, Things Fall Apart was one of the favorite books I ever had to read in school, so the quote and book recommendation caught my eye. :)

The way this story starts out, it sounds like the characters should be familiar to me, but they are not (except perhaps James II?). I'm not sure if it's a sequel to something you've already written, or if it's just your style of introducing characters, but I wanted to mention it in case I sounded ignorant later in the review. :P

Overall, I found this a well-written chapter that definitely pulled me in. The strong suit probably was characterization, as well as description. Each of your characters, especially Izzy and her parents, jumped off the page, and I got a sense for the less prominent characters as well. Somehow you just did a really good job of conveying something about their personalities and the overall family dynamics.

The end of the chapter leaves me a bit intrigued as well. It seems like Izzy may have a little reckless streak. I can't imagine that the Daily Prophet making up stories is going to turn out well--but then again, maybe they won't get caught, since the DP is pretty much The Authoritative Source of News in Wizarding Britain? Will people question them much?

I think it's an interesting premise overall, the idea of the newspaper printing actual fake news. Exposing corruption, publishing sensational stories, and making things up have been part of reporting/the media for a long, long time, and it's quite relevant today. The good and the bad both exist, along with lots of gray area in between.

I'm not sure yet how Izzy's family will fit in. It seems, though, that if anyone finds out making things up was her idea, her family could be a ripe target for someone? Izzy herself was pointing out bad appearances and such at the beginning.

Anyway, this was a well-written beginning to the story. I found the characters compelling, and there's enough afoot to make a reader want to click to the next chapter.




The Red Dragon Shall Rise Again (Y Ddraig Goch Ddyry Cychwyn) by pookha



banner by PINKhairedLOVER from TDA

A wounded land cries out for a king; a true king. When the time is right the Red Dragon Shall Rise Again.

Written for Alopex's Four Season's Challenge at eHPF. Each chapter will be tied together with an underlying theme of Arthurian legend. Each chapter will also be set in a different era. May contain spoilers from 'Fantastic Beasts.'



Genre: AU, Drama, Romance

Themes: Discrimination, Family, Fate/Prophecy, War

Inclusivity: None

Advisories: Slurs, Sexual Content, Substance Abuse, Violence
Series: None

Published: 23 Feb 2017 · Updated: 24 Feb 2017


Reviewer: Alopex Signed
Date: 29 Sep 2017 · Title: Chapter 2: Autumn


I'm back for the next chapter. Even though I really dislike the Marauders era overall, and that's the era in which most Lucius-as-a-young-man stories are found, somehow I have read quite a few stories/chapters showing Lucius at that age. I've read scenes that are fairly similar to this one--and also ones where it's Lucius and Draco instead.

I mention that, because I must admit that in the earlier part of the chapter, I honestly was thinking there wasn't much new here that hasn't been done before, and I wasn't finding it terribly interesting. Then the moment that piqued my interest was when it became clear there was a prophecy.

I know prophecies can be terribly cliche and such, but I think you avoided at least some of that by essentially skating over the actual text and not banging your readers over the head with a "reciting of a prophecy" scene.

It reminded me of Lucius being in the Hall of Prophecies in OotP. I'm not sure if that was intentional or not, but I liked that connection. I liked the Arthurian connection as well. I was interested to see how you'd keep that thread going. I think Mordred seems a fitting ancestor for the Malfoys, haha. :P

Author's Response:

I agree, the Marauders era is also my least fave. Interesting that you have read a bunch with young Lucius and Abraxas, because I've seen very few of them. I think this is one of my better written from a technical aspect chapters and I like it for that.  You will see the prophecy again, as it is important, but it will be someone else reading it next time. Glad you are reading this and at least liking some of it.



Reviewer: Alopex Signed
Date: 01 Sep 2017 · Title: Chapter 1: Spring


After many years at last, I have finally come to read this story that you wrote for that challenge I posted many years ago now. :P I am quite sure you're the only one who ever wrote anything for it, and it's really cool that you did complete it.

My favorite detail was the bit about Hogwarts being built on/from/around Merlin's Tower. I am not familiar enough with Arthurian legends to have heard about the moving crystal staircase before, but I liked the tie-in to the moving staircases Hogwarts is known for. It's interesting to imagine that there are older secrets/elements to Hogwarts than the ones dating to the Founders (like the Chamber of Secrets). While I have never had difficulty believing in Founders era stories that they chose to build in a random empty spot or picked an existing structure to renovate or used one of their family homes, I quite like the idea of them picking a site of significance.

Grumpy Salazar made me chuckle a little, even though his behavior wasn't particularly funny. It was nice to see him written as awkward, stiff, and traditional (with all the "-ist"s that implies, especially from our more modern perspective) rather than overtly nasty and malicious. He'd be insufferable in person, but I thought you managed to give him a bit of dimension beyond being a nasty blood purist.

I am excited to see how the Arthurian theme ties the rest of the chapters together! I'm almost disappointed I won't get to see more of the Founders.

Author's Response:

Logged on, saw I had a review and was super-happy, then saw it was an Alopex review and was super-stoked instead. Back in the day, I always looked forward to posting a new story, because I knew that you would usually review it and give me not just a review, but useful CC.

 

Yeah, I cheated a bit with this, and made it 5 chapters and tweaked it a bit, but I did try to stay close to the challenge. 

 

I never pictured Salazar as a rabid anti-Muggle, like Voldemort, but he definitely would have had those tendencies and would have had some of those personality traits even then.

 

I always pictured Hogwarts being built on an historic site, so Merlin's tower just made sense to me (I never bought the 'Merlin was a Slytherin canon from JKR' since Merlin's legends predate Hogwarts's founding). 

 

I said it in my status update, but I really believe that the 2nd and 3rd chapter of this are the best written, then I ran out of steam and came back to it much later. The Brexit radically changed the last chapter, as originally it was planned to have it happen then, but oh well.

 

Thank you again for the very nice review and hoping you review the other chapters.




Rise of the Phoenix by NPE94

Fandom: Harry Potter Universe, Harry Potter Universe > First Wizarding War (1950-1981) · Rating: Mature Audiences · Incomplete Novel (50,000+ words)
2 Reviews · 0 likes · 118 reads


It is 1976. 

Aurora Jane Meadows, buccaneering curse-breaking witch, returns home from the South China sea after hearing news of the death of her brother.

Finding her country under a cloud of fear, gripped in the chaos of an emerging dark wizard known only as "You-Know-Who", she takes on the Ministry to discover the truth. 

 

 



Characters: Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody

Pairings: None

Story Length: 5 chapters (26349 words)

HPFT Forum House: Ravenclaw

Genre: Dark/Horror

Themes: War

Inclusivity: None

Advisories: Consent Issues, Sexual Content, Slavery, Substance Abuse, Suicide, Violence
Series: None

Published: 03 May 2017 · Updated: 06 May 2017


Reviewer: Alopex Signed
Date: 15 Aug 2017 · Title: Chapter 1: The Gathering Storm


I was excited I got to snag this story, because the summary alone (a lady buccaneer? Curse breaking?) made it sound like there was a character I would definitely choose to read about if I was picking a library book. The first bit of the chapter only served further to convince me that Aurora is a cool and adventurous character. It’s a little too bad that we are mainly going to see her in England. I would love to read more about her adventures in China! The glimpses we got in this chapter were intriguing. Theo seems like he could be an interesting fellow as well, even though he’s not quite as likeable since we’re seeing him through Aurora’s eyes and she is a bit irritated with him.

One thing I did notice was that in a couple of your longer passages of dialogue (for example, when Theo and Aurora were talking about the Death Eaters and You-Know-Who’s army), it became difficult to keep track of who was speaking by the time I neared the end, due to a lack of dialogue tags. Using too many does become repetitive, of course, but tossing at least one into the center of the exchanges might not be a bad idea.

You specifically mentioned in your request you felt the story might drag and be too long. I didn’t really find that, myself, at least not in the first chapter. It is on the longer side for a typical fanfiction chapter, but I didn’t mind because it was engaging. I do think you have a tendency to ramble on a bit in descriptive passages (for example, using more than one comparison for what Aurora’s scar looks like), but I think you’ve done a decent job of editing them down to keep the story on track. Stylistically, some writers include more description, and that’s not always bad. I often enjoy it. I can see how it might bog you down in an action scene, but for this chapter, it didn’t seem a problem, not even in the action. Rather, you were able to set a mood and paint a picture for your readers. I liked how the weather and dreary train reinforced a certain sense of foreboding that Aurora was feeling inside herself—and this set up the ending of the chapter quite well. I hope we see some more action like this later on!