Hello! I'm here for MAGIC!
The action right from the get-go is intense -- I absolutely adore the sense of dread that you've established with Percy and Audrey running through the tunnel to get to the battle (to defend his family). The urgency and anticipation are made quite clear.
It's very noble of Audrey to tell him to go on without him, a bittersweet moment where Percy gets to be with his family and Audrey watches the person she loves leave. While it's completely rational that she thinks that they might not both survive the war, it feels so heavy and sad. I'm already invested in them at this point, and I want them to survive and be together and get their happily ever after.
And directly into the next scene is more action. It's incredibly quick-paced and full of awesome imagery as Audrey searches for Percy. And the Percy versus Rookwood scene is brilliant, I love seeing Percy worked up in a rage, bringing out the Gryffindor within. Of course, the reason behind his passion is absolutely heartbreaking.
That's one heck of a cliffhanger! I'm curious to see how you're going to handle the aftereffects of Obliviate! Excellent job!
** Transfered from HPFF **
I will have to start with two 'sorry's. (1) I really, really am sorry for taking so long to come here with you requested review (nothing to excuse me...), and (2) I'm sorry I did not leave separate reviews for the two chapters, but the way you ended the first chapter made me so much want to read the second, that I was unable to stop myself to gather my thoughts, I had to read on.
So very well done for that, those few seconds while the next chapter was loading I was truly wondering who might have cast that Obliviate spell - and honestly my first idea was that it would be Audrey, that this is how she wanted to help Percy ease the pain.
I was so happy to see this twist, because until this point I was thinking that the story did not have much in it (I mean compared to your other stories, you know I'm a big fan of your work, so my expectations were high ;-)). You do have some good text in there, I like very much how Audrey thinks through what to say about the loss of Fred. I also think it is a great idea that you made Audrey be Penelope's sister, it's funny that you say that's just because you couldn't come up with a family name you liked (yes I tend to read the reviews and answers to a story as well... :)), but for me that was one of the best ideas in there, and as I'm nor aware of the maiden name of Percy's wife, I can totally accept that.
The fact that Audrey and Percy had known each other before the battle (so that they got together during the time when Percy was not talking to his family) is something I've never given a thought, but it sounds reasonable. And it is a nice touch that Percy had been talking to Audrey about his family (so much that she recognized Bill).
I did not think that this was much of a romance piece, it is about the relationship between Audrey and Percy, but it has a lot of action and it certainly has a lot of depth apart from the blind love of Audrey, so better for me :). Actually I can see why you are not happy with this, but why you still published it. The idea of the story is great, but somehow as written now it is just too much like a fairy tale (that Audrey will wait no matter how long, that she didn't mind, that it was worth it...). I don't think I can offer any specific advice here, but probably if you let the story rest and re-read it after some time you will find a way to improve it.
In general the pace is good, the conversation feels real, so this is a decent story, I'm glad I've read it! (and I hope I did not sound too harsh - I do think that this is a good story)
I'm here to review for my strong female challenge, so my challenge is all about the characterisation and the storytelling which led your female to be 'strong'
I thought your choice was Audrey was interesting, I haven't read much Audrey so I don't really have any head-canon for her so it was good to read some Audrey especially the way you've portrayed her.
I thought your setting worked for the situation and to highlight certain aspects of Audrey's personality. In the middle of the battle was pretty intense, I always like to read about what other characters apart from the main lot were doing during the battle of Hogwarts.
I thought your Audrey was really good, you use the setting very well to show her feelings and she had very clear internal monologue/thought progress which really gave her a good strong sense of character. Some of her emotions were well thought out. I like how you managed to show different sides to her character which made her quite a well rounded character. I thought showing her caring side for Percy, the expections/comparisons she feels with her sister stood out well and I loved her life 'motto', it's a good one!
I felt you showed she was strong female really clearly in a few times within the story, at the very beginning when she hurt her leg but unwilling to let it slow her down, I also like 'family first' view. I think the flicker of hope when she thought Percy remembered her when she told herself not to cry when it was her sister was a really great moment. I thought it worked nicely that you worked with the brief well.
It'll probably take me a while to get the results up but should be within the next week or so. Thank you so much for entering my challenge!
- Abbi x
I love Percy! No one ever writes about him. I love Percy with Oliver though but I will take a Percy and Audrey fic since I do sort of have one of my own. Any Percy is fine by me! :D
I think this is a neat introduction to a story. An amnesia fic during the battle? That's surprising and completely concerning! Will they just not remember each other or will Percy also forget the heartbreak of losing his brother and everything else (and everyone) around him? If that's the case how do you even come back from that? There would be so many questions and there would be so much to be explained. Plus, what if they don't fall in love again? Or at least what if she doesn't fall for him again? It isn't a guarantee! They could be completely turned off from each other. I don't know there are so many what-ifs, a major reason why I can't read time travel fics, I get lost in the what-ifs and the what-coud-be's.
You did a neat job here though introducing Audrey. She sounds like a total badass. She's willing to run head straight into the war and back someone that could have potentially chosen the wrong side. But I suppose I like her already because she realized (through careful watching) that Percy was a good man. He was just confused. I'm happy she didn't give up on him but sad because I don't know what's going to happen next.
Deeds! Hello! :D
Sadly, I can't say the same thing as you because I don't love Percy. I respect him, because I know he became a much better person after realising his mistakes, and I suppose this fic was sort of my redemption for him? In a weird way? But I agree that there aren't enough fics of him (Percy/Oliver is becoming really popular, I swear) :)
Uh...so all your questions are answered in the next chapter, but I'll explain anyway! :D I imagined that Audrey was the only person who was wiped from his memory because the Death Eater was trying to mess with her emotions/life. Because if you're a Death Eater, won't it get a bit boring if you just keep on using the same three Unforgivables all the time? ;) Even if it's one person, there's still a lot of explaining, though, because Audrey was such a big part of Percy's life.
Aw, I'm so glad you liked Audrey...she is pretty badass-y, and I like to think she's very perceptive too, because she could see the good in Percy even when no one else could. Okay, I think I've been rambling for too long so I'll just say thanks for such a lovely review :D
Aww, a happy ending. I needed that. Brax made me want to cry with her ending. An interesting little twist and quite bold of you to have all this going on in the midst of the biggest battle of the second war. I don't know how I would deal with that sort of stress amidst all that carnage, but Audrey handles it pretty darn well, I think. And so cute, he came to rescue her at the end! I hope it ends well for them and I noticed you said you're not happy with it- if you ever update or change it, please let me know!!!
Thank you for entering into my challenge!
Yep, you get a nice ending to save you from Brax's ending. (I read it and it was brilliant but SO sad) Originally, I'd written that Audrey gets depression from Percy's memory loss and dies which would have been...well, depressing. I couldn't get it to work realistically so I changed it to this and ended it on a more hopeful note. Percy coming to save her was sort of like a redemption for him but I imagine that they would still end up together and have Molly and Lucy Weasley, even if it takes ages.
I don't think I'm going to edit this since I don't normally do it for plot reasons, but if I do, I'll let you know. Thank you for the review and for setting this challenge! :)
Hello! A Hogwarts Battle amnesia fic! Ooooh, I'm squirming! So sorry it's taken me a bit to get here and review this, but isn't that what vacations are for? I don't know much about Audrey and honestly, I had no idea she was a Clearwater. And for some strange reason, I thought she was a muggle...? Don't ask why. Must have been a fic I read once put it into my head...
Anyway! DID YOU AND BRAX CONSPIRE TO WRITE YOUR STORIES?! Seriously, her entry was about George about a year after Fred's death and then YOU go and write THIS! Well, you wrote yours first, BUT STILL!
Lovely cliffhanger! I'm going to the next chapter now because I want to know what happened!
Hello, I've finally decided to come and respond :P (and yes, that's what vacations are for) There isn't much canon info about Audrey apart from her name. Her being a Clearwater was a strange head canon I made up whilst writing this fic, but she could easily be a Muggle too. I just didn't really like the idea of Percy meeting and marrying some random non-magical person so...yep, this happened.
Yes, I conspired with Brax and we both decided to put Fred's death into our stories to bring back the pain...just kidding, we didn't. Weird coincidences lol.
Thanks for reviewing- glad you liked the cliffhanger :D
I never saw it coming.
I cetainly am on the edge of my seat waiting now.
Well I'm glad it was unexpected for you. The next (and last..) chapter's in the queue so you probably won't have to wait long ;)
Thanks so much for the review! :D