I'm here because you're our Hufflepuff of the Month. Congratulations! :D
But I have a confession to make. I've actually read this masterpiece before, but I don't think I ever reviewed it. I don't know why I never did, but I'm gonna fix this mistake right now and let you know just how much I love this story.
So first of all, wow. I can't stop laughing. This is like the 10th time I've read this story and it's still hilarious. This is without a doubt the best worst story I have ever read (and that might be one of the strangest things I've ever said). I just love how you include just about everything you really should avoid including when writing a Harry Potter fanfic (or writing in general). There are a lot of clichés here, but what I liked the most was the "DON'T FORGET ABOUT THEGOBLETOFIYAAHH," Dumbledore reminded everyone calmly. That's one of the most annoying things to see in stories, and even though I knew you were purposely writing a bad fic, I still didn't expect it to come. So funny.
And I LOVE Mary Su. She really is Mary Sue. This part: "No, that's not a typo - the badge was just being completely honest and telling the truth, which was that Mary was perfection personified. Coincidentally, she was also a Prefect" had me laughing so hard. You really can't get any more Mary Sue than that, can you? :P
Anyway, to sum up you're BRILLIANT! And you know, I don't think I've ever said this to you before, but this is my go-to story when I'm feeling down, because it always manages to make me laugh and smile. I just love it, so thank you so much for sharing it! J
Lotte! ♥♥♥♥♥ Thank you so much for this incredible review! Gahh! And for organizing the whole appreciation month thing, that was honestly so unexpected and such a nice thing to do. ♥
I'm so glad this story makes you laugh even after that many times of reading it, its heaps of bad cliches and OOC Dumbledore and all. Aw, and I'm flattered that it's your go-to story for when you're feeling down - I never really imagined this story would be good for much of anything, so I'm really happy that you enjoyed it so much and that it has brightened some days. That's wonderful to hear! ♥ Thank you so much for your review!
***Transferred from HPFF***
You know what is funny?
That you are brilliant even when you try to be awful! :D
So, I was scrolling through twitter posts and what did I see? Kristin had written something new? That was about to give us a good laugh? Well, you know how it goes... when Kristin writes, Chiara reads! (Is this cliched?)
Anyway! I had so much fun with this!
I loved the completely unrelated bits you put in here, like Azkaban in the beginning and the policewoman looking for the disappeared person (the true plot of the story... ahahah! How did you even think that???)
And I loved how calm was Dumbledore when he calmly explained things! Ihihih!
And then I loved the hair potion!!! Who doesn't love hair potions???
And, aww, Mary Su fell in love with Sirius... how romantic... (even if I would've made her fall in love with Remus... :P)
Ok... I'll stop this nonsense... I need to do a few things before the world ends, you see...
Honestly, though, you're just as genial as always! This was such a funny read! I adore you, Kristin!!!
Awww! ♥ If that is cliched, it's perfectly acceptable for this story that is full of cliches :P But really omg thank you! You seriously are the most amazing reviewer, and I can't get over how you'e read EVERYTHING on my AP. :O Just... all the hugs ♥♥♥♥ You are wonderful!
I'm so glad you had fun reading this story :D I think most of the story is unrelated tangents that kind of got strung together. Much like the way my brain works, in fact :P As for the missing plot person... well, though it is a bad fic, it's a self-aware bad fic :P
I think that line from the GoF movie is one that annoys every HP fan to no end, because he's supposed to be calm, it even says so, and then he's THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE, WHYYY? I didn't even have to do anything to make that part ridiculous, it was written for me in the movie!
This bad fic wouldn't be complete without a completely self-referencing allusion to my other stories and Gilderoy Lockhart's hair tonic! :P
Haha, yeah, had to choose Sirius because I think in general there are more fics where the main character ends up with Sirius, esp time travel fics, so it was just another cliched fanfiction trope I was making fun of here. (That said, I do enjoy a time travel Marauder fic every now and then - as you know Meg writes great ones :D)
I ADORE YOU, AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL REVIEWS ♥ thank you so much for reading!!
SNOWBALL HUG (even though it's definitely not winter anymore - gotta keep some reserve snowballs on hand for occasions like this)
(transferring my reviews and I thought I'd start with you ;) )
I read the first paragraph intensely, somehow forgetting that this wasn't a story about Azkaban, and then that line came—brilliant.
Perfect perfect—you're amazing and already I see a wonderful depiction of Mary Su. I loved how you took the typical physical description and pushed it even further into specific shoe size—this is exactly what I look for in a character to relate to. Oh wait, we're off by a couple shoe sizes, nah, I can't relate to her. Bahaha! Hair tonic. Kristin, ever single word of this is brilliant, I'm trying my best not to relay every single word of yours back to you.
And then just when I was wondering about the hair tonic—YOU BROUGHT IT UP. Magnificent.
'"GOBLETOFFIYAHH," Dumbeldore said calmly.' Again, brilliant. This story has everything I have ever dreamed of—I am in love, this is perfection.
'So he left and got turned into a ferret by Professor Moody.' PFTT WHAT EVEN. I think the consistently casual tone of this story makes it all the more compelling.
Hermione's emo/bad girl phase—brilliant. It came out of nowhere and I loved it all the more for that. Just when I think 'OK, what else could you possibly do that's completely random and surprising,' you do the thing, like multiple exclamation points for instance.
Out of the blue 'Scene 5.' Be still my heart.
'How did they do something mathematically impossible? Magic! Obviously.' And then something impossible happened. How? Why? What? Magic, duh. Magic >> Math. iPhone and Twitter existing before it doesn't fit the timeline? How? Magic, duh. Brilliant.
Everyone goes back and falls in love with Sirius Black? Missing plot? Napping? Destruction of Earth? Kristin, you are an absolute genius—this is the best thing I've ever read, hands down.
Ahaha, I'm glad you shared that - that's the best thing ever, that you forgot for a moment that this fic was going to be a joke.
Every bad fic has a lengthy description of the clothing Mary Sue is wearing, so, like any parody, I took it one step further. (Get it, bc we're talking about shoes? hahaha aha ha haa I crack myself up) The bonus is that if I ever forget what my shoe size translates to in other countries I can use this fic as a reference.
If the hair tonic alone wasn't ridiculous enough, it's actually 100% a self-referential nod to one of my other stories. :P
The best thing about the GOBLETOFFIYAAA was that it required basically 0 work on my part to turn it into a parody. That line from the movie was about as OOC as Dumbledore could get. My work was done.
As Georgia points out later on in the story, there has to be angsty forbidden love portrayed in an absurd way in order for this to be a proper bad story, and Randomly Hot/Rebellious Hermione is a classic. The funny part is that most of the things you mention as random and surprising are often kind of overused in fic - I guess if you put enough clichés together you get something original out of it! :P
Hehe, I'm glad you mentioned Scene 5. No one else has said anything about it in their reviews on HPFF, but it's honestly my favourite bit of this story XD
Yep basically - Deus ex magica. :P (...Now I wish I'd used that phrase in the fic)
Sad but true: The phone/twitter was inspired by a Writing Pet Peeves post I saw ages ago on the hpff forums - someone mentioned seeing actual fics out there that had the Marauders listening to ipods - like, not even parody fics but just badly written, anachronistic ones. If nothing else those fics were great as inspiration for me.
It's raining clichés! Omg, but seriously thank you for your review on this, I loved it, it made me laugh, and I'm glad that the story made you laugh! And... this is the best thing you've read? Eep thanks! Though by that I hope you mean 'the worst', as this was literally written for a Worst Story Ever challenge :P
Thank you Em! You're the best ♥
Okay, to make up for not having a proper reiew for Dear Myrtle, I'm here for your master work here.
I've put off reading this story for far too long (although it was already one of my favorites just on principle) but I have to read it not because I'm certain it's Golden Chalice material.
Okay but I really really like dinosaurs. I don't think I can use the F word in reviews, but that's what the second "really is a stand in for." Like reall really (that time the stand in was the first really). You get the idea?
"like the breath of giants into a large stone flute that had prisoners in it" I don't care what anyone says this is the most intensely provacative imagery I've ever read.
A+ use of irrelevant Azkaban story to set the not tone of the story. Respect.
Does Mary Su also have a prefect badge? Or does she just wear the perfect badge? Important questions.
"she also tended to tell rather than show in her descriptive writing" is one of the best character descriptors I've ever seen.
OMG BEST PLOT TWIST EVER MARY SU DOESN'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO A QUESTION AND THE EARTH STOPS SPINNING AND OCEANS REDISTRIBUTE AND ANIMALS GO EXTINCT I AM SO INTO THIS
When you say Mary Su was "a perfect" does that mean there are other perfects?
mmm I want a custard cream
Mary, Mary, Quite a Canary. I agree.
Mary Su is pretty cool, but I think it will take a bit more to convince me that she is batman.
I was worries about the hair tonic foreshadowing. Thanks for the update.
Good old Dumbldoor is the calmest.
Oooooh solid plan to outwit Fred and George.
Right on, Draco. Leaving and getting turned into a ferret because that's the most relevant thing for his character to do. I'm all for it.
I'm like halfway through this story and there aren't any dinosaurs yet? That's a little disappointing.
DINOSAUR IS VOLDEMORT
OKAY LET'S GO
I mix up 1 thousand and 75 million all the time. Easy mistake. Math is hard.
"It hadn’t. The author just really likes dinosaurs." ME TO, AUTHOR <333
"A Parasaurolophus laughed in the distance. Voldemortyrannosaurus rex continued crashing through the vegetation loudly because he hadn't heard the joke." Excellent.
Mary Su cheats at rubix cubes? Wow, I'm really quite disappointed in her.
Draco is sure in this story a lot for leaving because there was no reason for him to be in this story.
Oooooh good payoff on the hair tonic! Does that mean Draco's hair is as good as Mary Su's? Is Georgia also jealous of Draco's hair? Need more info.
“I was thinking we could stop in the 1970’s and fall in love with Sirius Black to stop him from becoming a murderer.” “No, everyone does that,” said Mary dismissively. I've never read more perfect words.
Also A+: "Georgia and George both felt left out, and their mutual misery brought them together. So they fell in love, but it ended badly because their names were too similar. Their love was thus forbidden."
YAY RETURN OF MY FAVORATE IMAGERY GIANT
Yes, the author deerves a nap. And a LEMON DROP if she likes.
Oooh good follow through on the earth stopped spinning subplot.
Overal A+++ (/Mary Su's GPA). Would have liked more dinosaurs. Maybe Georgia could be one in the sequel.
None of this review was exageration. Really really (first really is stand in).
Sam! ♥ Omg, this review might be as long as the story itself. You really outdid yourself on this one! Golden Chalice material?! XD Hahaha, watch out, it would seriously bring down the caliber of the Chalices :P
Oh, well, considering how much you really really* love dinosaurs, I feel like my story summary (and banner lol) was sort of false advertising as there are not nearly as many dinosaurs as it appears at first glance. (esp because at the first glance they are voldemort). My apologies, I hope the dinosaurs were adequate. Perhaps I'll have to write the sequel: Voldemort and the Very Exciting Story About Various Dinosaurs And Also Georgia. It has to do with horcruxes and vaguely described plot devices and will have amazing character development.
Hahaha, thank you, I'm so glad you appreciate the truly terrible imagery in this story :P
She only has a Perfect badge. She is the only one who is Perfect, after all.
I'm glad you liked that character descriptor! I'm particularly proud of that one :P
Cheating, or outwitting rubik's cubes? Could be argued either way...
To answer your questions on the hair tonic: Draco's hair is not as lush as Mary Su's, because he is not Mary Su. The fact that his hair is inferior gives Draco more reasons to angst about his life, which in turn makes Hermione more attracted to his tortured soul. How romantic!
I'm so glad you enjoyed this story - enough to quote at least half of it in this review it seems - honestly I'm flattered! And your running commentary was SO much fun to read. Thank you so much for this amazing review. A+++ ♥