Name: The Wanderer (Anonymous) · Date: 21 Aug 2017 10:14 PM · Chapter: In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate
A … parrot? I know, I know, this tale is a parody, but a smart-mouth parrot? I can’t help but recall a storekeeper in my youth who had a parrot in his record/book/D&D shop. Us local teens took it upon ourselves to teach the bird a number of useful, if somewhat abrasive, phrases. Ah, those were the days! If I recall correctly, that bird was also green.

But I digress. While I rambled about the parrot, some guy invented a flying yurt and in walked Hermione. And in seven-inch heels, no less. Quite a feat! She should think about Britain’s Got Talent.

I take it back. That Mongolian wizard with the yurt (newly upgraded with rocket boosters) is the one that needs to appear on Britain’s Got Talent because by Merlin’s Balls, he’s going places!

And yes, Draco, life is pain! You should have learned that lesson ages ago. But at least he realizes that no one puts Draco in the corner. (Kudos for sneaking in a second movie reference).

This was quite a rollicking tale - very realistic. Almost documentary quality. Well done!

I bid you good day,
The Wanderer

Author's Response:

Hello! Thank you so much for this review, whoever you are! Haha, I'm glad you appreciated the realism in this story - even to the point where it reminds you of real life! (at least the parrot, anyway). And yes, it really is a shame the Mongolian wizard is in Mongolia rather than Britain because he'd be a star on the screen, that's for sure.

I'm glad you enjoyed this! Thanks for reading & for the review!

Author's Response:

Hello! Thank you so much for this review, whoever you are! Haha, I'm glad you appreciated the realism in this story - even to the point where it reminds you of real life! (at least the parrot, anyway). And yes, it really is a shame the Mongolian wizard is in Mongolia rather than Britain because he'd be a star on the screen, that's for sure.

I'm glad you enjoyed this! Thanks for reading & for the review!

Author's Response:

Hello! Thank you so much for this review, whoever you are! Haha, I'm glad you appreciated the realism in this story - even to the point where it reminds you of real life! (at least the parrot, anyway). And yes, it really is a shame the Mongolian wizard is in Mongolia rather than Britain because he'd be a star on the screen, that's for sure.

I'm glad you enjoyed this! Thanks for reading & for the review!

Name: Rhaenyra (Signed) · Date: 25 Jun 2017 02:21 AM · Chapter: In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

Dramione parody!?  From the author of "Mary Su and the Totally Profound Plot"!?  I'm in.


Let's start at the beginning. Draco's thought process totally, 100% makes sense.  The best way to atone for crimes against Muggles and Muggleborns would obviously be to live life as a Muggle, with no wealth or servants.  Well - does a surprisingly talkative parrot with an impressive vocabulary count as a servant?  I suppose she would count more if she talked back less and was better at making toast.  They were certainly an interesting pair.  I especially like the fact that despite all of this talk of leaving his past behind and distancing himself from all things pureblood that he named his parrot after a constellation.  Very fitting for somebody who is part of the extended Black family.  Was that intentional or just an interesting coincidence?


The inclusion of Hermione's new appearance and fashion choices was necessary.  We need to know that she is hott-with-two-t's to know why Ron, Viktor (excellent "Bulgarian" accent there, by the way!), and Draco could all be in love with her.


The theme of dancing is a nice nod to the masquerade ball cliche.  As is the eye contact resulting in instant love.  Of course it wouldn't have happened at Hogwarts, but now that Draco is a reformed almost-Muggle it is definitely the next logical step.  The parenthesis told me that, so it must be true!


I would like to request a detailed description of Draco using the cannonballs in an attempt to catch fish.  How, exactly, was that supposed to work!?  Captain Lyra's reaction must have been funny.


You have a knack for parodies. :)

Author's Response:

Rebecca! Hi! Omg, haha. Somehow Mary Su has got quite a following. :')


I think Lyra was intended to be a servant but Draco failed to consider what would happen if his parrot is more assertive than he is, so yeah, it ultimately ended up helping his goals very well because Lyra not being a servant took him farther from his spoiled pureblood life. :P And yes, he did intentionally name his parrot after a constellation. He didn't fall far from the tree :P


So hawt. Dramione parodies are incomplete without a total makeover for no reason. :P But another reason everyone is in love with her is because she is the only woman in the story. I took some cues from Hollywood. XD


Bahaha, yeah, most of the interesting part of the story is in the parenthesis. See, this story is so deep that you literally have to read in between the lines. ;)


Perhaps that will be the next thing I write: Draco Malfoy and the Unfortunate Misadventures in Fishing. Sounds like a best seller. But, uh, yeah, it didn't work. That's why they ran out of cannonballs. But how he intended it to work was... he shoots at the fish and then they all float up to the surface? (Don't give me that skeptical look, it was Draco's idea. :P)


Thank you soooo much!! I really appreciate the review and I'm thrilled that you enjoyed the story! ♥♥

Name: AbraxanUnicorn (Signed) · Date: 21 May 2017 06:05 AM · Chapter: In Which the Rest of the Story Is Revealed

I couldn't just review the first chapter; I had to check this one out too :)

I pictured the gold-jewel-fairy-laden chandelier, as you suggested, but then was told that Eloise didn't have anything like that, and I must admit, I was a tad affronted that I'd gone to all that trouble of imagining a lavish light-fitting when I needn't have. Still, it's a beautiful chandelier and perhaps one day when I don't have to spend my money replacing toasters, I'll have one made to my specifications (a chandelier, that is. No-one wants a fairy-laden toaster, after all).

OMG, the paintings! Now that's a concept I'd love to invest in. All you'd need would be a one-roomed house, and the artwork could take you wherever you wanted to go. Admittedly, it would be a bit of an inconvenience to only burn one's toast every 2nd Wednesday, but it would be a small price to pay. Think of the possibilities ...

I did feel for Ron, getting trapped in a few paintings (a yurt picture would have been nice, don't you think?), but it's marvellous that he had his mobile with him. I'm glad phone reception wasn't sketchy (I can tell he's not with Vodafone) and he could contact Genghis for help, even though he didn't really need him in the end. That was a nice plot twist, the unnecessary rescue.

Ooh, and it's a fake-dating story as well? I LOVE fake-dating stories. I'm really glad they managed to fake date and get married in the end. Oh, that's not the end, is it, because they go off and do pirate-y things with Dramione. Of course.

One thing I did want to ask - what happens if one enters a painting on a 2nd Wednesday but doesn't leave it on the same day? Do they have to wait a month in the painted castle? (Oh, could Genghis Khan's emergency yurt service get them out of bother, providing they have a mobile, of course?)

This was great fun! I'd love to swap again sometime :)

Brax X

Author's Response:

Awww! Thank you for the extra review!

Oh, I'm sorry about the extra work. But hey, at least it gave you a free daydream. Why not sell the toaster and replace it with a chandelier that has actual candles, and then if you want toast you can toast bread on a long stick by holding it up to the candle flames. Before you say it wouldn't work, would it be any worse than your current toaster? :P

That's a million dollar idea right there.

HAhaha! My mobile carrier is terrible as well and your Vodafone comment cracked me up XD Pretty impressive that his phone even worked in the 14th century or wherever he went, but if anyone asks for explanations: magic.

I admit I enjoy fake dating stories too, but it's such a trope I had to mock it :P

You should ask Ron or Eloise or even Genghis Khan about that, as I have no personal experience with magical portal paintings. I've never been able to enter any of the paintings in my own house - I just tend to get a bruise on the forehead from walking into a solid object.

Thanks so much for the swap and for the super kind additional review! ♥

Name: AbraxanUnicorn (Signed) · Date: 21 May 2017 05:14 AM · Chapter: In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

Hey Kristin! I'm here for our review swap <3

I chose this story because I absolutely adore parodies, and, just like the last one of yours I read, it's absolutely brilliant and so off-point that it's perfectly on-point. It's full of genius lines, which any self-respecting parody should be, of course.

(I gave you full marks for the plot and characterisation, by the way, but I'd have liked more yurt, even though it's not the yurt's story to tell).

Draco's believable shift from Voldemort's ass-wiper, to textbook muggle was written very convincingly. I love the reasoning behind his change of heart. The inclusion of toast, toasters, Dancing With The Stars, and dancing, was neatly done, and how he re-met and fell in love with Hermione Granger is not at all contrived, nonono. Toasters can be tetchy things, and I have much sympathy for Draco; our toaster has a tendency to drama too. My bread goes from not-even-warm to charcoal within a matter of nano-seconds, with the teensiest window of perfection somewhere in the middle. Might I suggest that Draco stands over his toaster with a hammer during future rounds of toast-making, ready to bash the eject button at the exact moment his toast is done? (I find that merely prodding the button has no effect). Or perhaps he can get his parrot to do it for him.

Viktor Krum's School of Dance had me absolutely howling; and I thank you for pointing out what a busy little seventh-year student Viktor had been, right? Not content with passing his Bulgarian NEWTs (or TPNTOHs - the N should be reversed, btw, but I can't find the symbol for it), on top of being a world-class quidditch player, he has to have a crack at the Triwizard cup too. Did he have a time-turner to fit all this in??

The shoe references were a lovely touch. I really enjoyed learning about everyone's footwear (what about the Mongolian dude in the yurt, though?). That Hermione's heels became higher and higher, yet she still managed to walk in them was incredibly impressive. That woman must have Achilles tendons of steel.

I wondered where you were taking this story when everybody decided to become pirates, but again, this plot twist turned out to be a particularly good one (more yurts, please), and I adored how the howlers were recycled and used as cannon material. (It was heartwarming the way that the yurt saved the day in the end).

This story was so brilliant! I see that there's an additional bit, even though "the end" is stated at the bottom of this one. Even when I think it's over, it's not. So full of unexpectedness - genius!


Thank you so much for the swap! <3

Brax X

Author's Response:


Has anyone told you that you leave wonderful reviews? Because you do.

Luckily for you, as you must have discovered when you read the second chapter, there is more yurt. Huzzah. :P

Very glad to hear you liked the captivating toast saga nested within this story, as well as Draco's choices of television and the very well contrived plot. This story was actually written while I was living in a place that had a dysfunctional toaster so yes, it is partially based on a true story. I feel your pain with the 0-to-charcoal in .2 seconds toaster.

Omg! Yes! That's so cool that you know what the Bulgarian equivalent of NEWTs would be. Does that language use Russian characters? And is that the direct translation of 'newt' or is it 'nastily exhausting wizard test' translated? hahaha I hope you don't mind if I PM you about this because I'm really curious about it now and I know you can't actually answer my review response :P

Thank you, I'm so glad you liked the descriptions of everyone's shoes. Of course, thorough descriptions always put your best foot forward in writing. #puns *cymbal crash* And of course as we know Hermione can do anything, even wear towering stilettos.

Yes I kind of wondered where I was taking it too. Glad it turned out all right :P

That was originally the end, but then everyone asked me 'what about the fancy castle? Or the yurt?' so I had to write a follow-up!

Thanks so much for the swap! :D

Name: Felpata_Lupin (Signed) · Date: 19 May 2017 06:42 PM · Chapter: In Which the Rest of the Story Is Revealed

***Transferred from HPFF***

This is the craziest thing I've ever read!

I've been laughing so hard throughout all the story that I'm crying...

How did you come up with this, Kristin? How?!?

I don't think I could write a coherent review, so let's just say that this was absolutely fantastic!

Love, hugs and kisses!


Author's Response:

Heheheh. I really don't know - things I write when I'm tired tend to just be zany. Oh, no need to write a coherent review when the story itself isn't coherent :P But thank you - I'm so glad this made you laugh! :D

♥ Thanks for your review!

Name: dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap (Signed) · Date: 20 Feb 2017 12:49 AM · Chapter: In Which the Rest of the Story Is Revealed

For some reason when Ron stepped out of the portrait it reminded me of 'Blue Clues' and i smiled a little bit because Ron and Steve would have made good friends. I suppose. In my head anyway. Thanks for a fun read!

Author's Response:

Haha! :P I'm so glad you enjoyed the story,  thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

Name: dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap (Signed) · Date: 20 Feb 2017 12:44 AM · Chapter: In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

For the love of...I don't even know what I just read right now but it was hilarious. I think I was more shocked than anything so I didn't actually laugh out loud but i had this really creepy smile on my face the entire time i read the story. First off, Dancing with the Stars is my favorite show--no shame--so to have Draco watching it just made me really happy. I loved the parrot, the toaster bit, not putting Draco in the corner, the yurt. Gah! Everything just flowed together really well and kept me intrigued until the end. It was just pure fun reading this. 

Author's Response:

I think that's the reaction most people have to this bizarre parody story, haha.  And yes, whatever other faults Draco may have, at least he has good taste in television? :P I'm so glad you enjoyed the story, weird toaster pirate plot and all. Thanks so much for reviewing ♥♥

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