Name: Vilja (Signed) · Date: 12 Jun 2017 07:28 AM · Chapter: The Heir of Slytherin

** Transfered from HPFF **


Hi - I'm here from HPFT review swap


It's so great to get a Slytherin's point of view on this matter. This is so much missing from the original books, although we do see some 'good' Slytherins, not many.


The story was a good read, interesting all the way along. Also I liked how the dark thoughts on petrified students were mixed with everyday problems like a Potions essay.


The idea that there is a student who thinks is friend with Tom Riddle and that she starts worrying and then relizes... so "this" is a very interesting concept. I was first going to say that for me it did not sound very real, but I'm reconsidering now. After all Tom was a boy most people liked, why could he not have people thinking are friends with him. The one thing I'm not sure, is why he only took the memories of Olive. He had no problem killing people, and for sure he had no friends, he had most probably no feelings for her. And obliviating is not the safest option, as one can still have accessible memories. Or was he so arrogant not to think that anyone will get the idea to question this girl precisely?


Anyway I'm glad I found this story :)

Name: Margaret (Signed) · Date: 17 Mar 2017 03:22 PM · Chapter: The Heir of Slytherin

Not sure why I haven't read this story before. It sounds really interesting.


Hmm, right from the start, I'm intrigued as to who is speaking in this story.


This line sounds a bit awkward or repetitive, "She was also a Slytherin sixth year, like me." The also kind of already hints that the speaker is too. 


I really like the way this person has a theory about what is happening that we know to be inaccurate. The main characters in stories often tend to be correct even when logically, it might make more sense for them to be mistaken. A Petrifying spell DOES seem more likely than some monster that is now thousands of years old. And I think it's interesting that Dumbledore apparently told the true story here. I always wondered why the staff kept it secret in Chamber of Secrets. Maybe they didn't want to scare the students, but the secrecy was never really explained.


Oooh, Tom is creepy. Maybe it's because of what we know of him but I think you have really captured his creepiness.


When it's pointed out that the main character's essay is still half an inch short, they say, "it's not like he'll know my name my either way." I think there's an extra "my" in there that shouldn't be.


*grins* So typical of Slughorn to change tack as soon as Tom apologises. The only surprise is that he told him off at all.


You've written that Slughorn "paid not attention to us." I assume it's meant to be "paid no attention to us."


I like the way you flesh out Olive's character here. From the books, she seems like an immature bully, but in context here, her comments, while still childish, make more sense. It was said in a moment's frustration and annoyance because it was the first thing that came into her mind to get back at somebody who told tales on her, rather than just a way of tormenting somebody for no reason.


I was wondering if he'd modify her memory as it seemed like otherwise she would be likely to tell on him. 

Author's Response:

Hello! :D


I'm glad Olive's characterisation was alright- it was a spontaneous idea of mine to not mention her name until the middle to keep the readers interested :) I find her an interesting character, because I always wonder WHY she teased Myrtle and how she would have felt about it afterwards. Since Myrtle's POV is extremely biased, I figured this would sort of act as Olive's redemption in my head ;)


And yes, Tom would definitely have modified her memory, but since I'm unknowledgable about these kind of spells (I do study, I swear...) it wasn't written in. I just really liked the idea of ending the story (rather dramatically) with a memory-wiping spell :D


Ooh, about those technicals. I write all stories on my phone, and autocorrect really hates me, so there's bound to be mistakes popping up at some point. I really need to go back and edit this story :P


Thanks for the review :D

Name: abhorsen (Signed) · Date: 17 Mar 2017 12:16 PM · Chapter: The Heir of Slytherin

Hey! I'm here for our Nargles BvB event! Congrats on being a finalist for best one-shot. :)


You did an amazing job here. This is a chapter in Hogwarts's (and Voldemort's!) history that's been covered fairly extensively in canon, but you made it your own.


I loved the way that the Slytherins as a whole came across, by and large, as fairly removed from the horror of the events. Their primary concern seemed to be the school closing, not the assault and potential murder of fellow students. They didn't dislike Muggleborns, it didn't seem - they just dismissed them.  Even when Olive realized what Tom was and saw that Myrtle had been murdered, her choice of words were really interesting - she framed it as protecting "her school" rather than people. That was a little chilling to read about, but it worked so, so well.


I also liked her relationship with Tom. It was clear to me that he thought she was a bit of a pest, but also that he was too concerned about his standing in his house to actually blow up at her about it. She wasn't a bad person, though - just a little self-centered and ignorant. When she was ultimately put in the position to choose between doing the right thing and doing the easy thing, she did the first. It's a shame that neither she nor Myrtle never knew that. :(


I do have two nitpicks, though. First, it felt like Olive connected some of the pieces a little too quickly once she found him in the bathroom - recognizing that he must be the heir of Slytherin totally made sense, but immediately knowing that he was speaking parseltongue and that he'd made a horcrux seemed like a stretch, since both were things that most people weren't familiar with. Second, since you can't Apparate in Hogwarts at all, the fact that he did it at all didn't really make sense; it would've made more sense to me if he'd just physically blocked her from leaving.


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Otherwise, though, you did a great job with this. :)  Congrats again!

Author's Response:

Hello! I'm glad you thought this was okay :)


I always thought that if Olive knew she had caused the death of a student, she would surely feel some regret. I didn't really like the idea of her just bullying Myrtle because that's who she is, so tried to give her her own story where she's sort of...justified, I guess?


Yeah, I agree that figuring out about the Horcrux and parseltongue stuff was a bit sudden, I forgot that neither were very well known subjects when writing this. I would edit it now but since we're in the middle of the Nargles that might be slightly unfair (procrastination, much?) Apparating is also something I should probably change. I figured that there are probably exceptions with magic, Tom being one, given his talent and power.


But anyway, thank you so much for this review! :)

Name: AbraxanUnicorn (Signed) · Date: 12 Mar 2017 02:34 PM · Chapter: The Heir of Slytherin

Hello, the Nargles have brought me here to review this one-shot :)

This is a really interesting take on what happened during Tom Riddle's first attempt at releasing the basilisk to continue Salazar Slytherin's work. I love how you've weaved a serious story with lots of little light-hearted bits of comedy. Olive's line "Come on, I just need another three inches, show me what you've got" made me lol, as did Miss Horny (okay, I'll get my mind out of the gutter now).

I thought Olive was a well-written and believable character, with a fun sense of humour and I loved her interaction with Miranda. The name mix-ups really cracked me up!

Tom Riddle's portrayal left me feeling cold at the end; what a dark, merciless character he is. Although he could have gone one worse and killed her, I suppose.

I really enjoyed this, it was fun yet menacing at the same time! Best of Nargles luck :)

Brax X

Author's Response:

Hello! I'm so glad you enjoyed this. The comedy wasn't originally planned, actually, but I can never resist getting some wit and humour in my stories ;) And yes, Tom's pretty evil, isn't he? I tried to keep him as close to canon as I could manage. I know he could have killed Olive but I just considered him too smart to do that; a murder would arouse a lot of commotion, although he already killed Myrtle, I suppose. 


But anyway...I'm glad you found this interesting! Thank you for your lovely review :)

Name: Rhaenyra (Signed) · Date: 05 Mar 2017 05:19 PM · Chapter: The Heir of Slytherin

Hello!  I saw that this was nominated for best one-shot in the Nargles so I just had to check it out.


Kudos for tackling such an underdeveloped part of Hogwarts's history.  The professors, Olive, Myrtle, Tom, and Hagrid are all we really know about from this time period so there is so much room.  There's a lot of potential, but it is intimidating.  I've been reading Harry Potter fics for a long time, at least a decade, and I only remember reading one other story that featured Olive Hornby.


It was deliciously dark and you kept the mysterious tone up well, which is hard to do when we obviously have known the whole time who the Heir of Slytherin was.  You showed enough development that Olive's progression from confused to maybe believing her friend to finding out that it was Tom Riddle all fit.  It also didn't seem like it was 4300 words, which is no easy feat.


It's a bit random, but I want to compliment your naming.  Olive's collection of names was great - Horton because I'm a Canadian so Tim Horton's and Horny because OMG what a terrible surname lol.  (I actually accidentally typed that instead of Hornby earlier though, so it definitely is a possible mistake or Slughorn!)  You also pulled some other canon stuff in, like the Greengrass surname, and used names that I could see as first names for the era like Millie.  Those are often overlooked so good job!


One thing - how was Tom apparating inside Hogwarts?  And how likely would Olive be to know about Horcruxes?


Having a) a Slytherin protagonist who is not "bad" and b) a Slytherin attacked were much appreciated.  Your comment about there not being many Slytherin muggleborns is probably right, but there surely were at least some of them.  And Olive having a Muggle mother also fits with what we know of canon - there aren't that many pureblood families after all.


And I know you said Myrtle is supposed to be 14 but I honestly would never have remembered that so whatever.


Good luck with the Nargles! :)

Author's Response:

No, there don't seem to be many Olive fics around, do they? So I started asking the question of "how would she feel knowing she had caused the death of a fellow student?" Which led to this story :)

Lol, thanks for the compliment on the naming; some ideas were taken from real life. I know a friend who's surname was Horton and who also happens to be called Olive...it seemed too good an opportunity to pass. Like you said, I tried hard to stick to canon: Greengrass is an obvious option and Fawley was one of the Sacred Twenty Eight (I had to look that up...)

Tom Apparating inside Hogwarts was one thing I forgot. And Olive's knowledge of Horcruxes. Hehe. But thanks for pointing it out, I'll a have to edit it later :)

Anyway...thank you so much for this kind review! Much appreciated :D

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