Transferred from HPFF
2nd April 2017:
Hi! CTF Round 2 continued!
Wow, “Brothers”. It’s an intriguing start. I expected Sirius’s POV and Regulus’s POV. Hahaha, so in this chapter, Sirius Black’s true motivation for the trip to dungeon would be revealed, right? Oh was Marissa fake girlfriend? I guess what emotion existed in Sirius’ mind when his brother talked to Mills, especially his question, “I heard you’re dating my brother now.” I felt Regulus Black’s challenge to his brother.
Wha…shocking news, Regulus was her ex-girlfriend! Above all, they were also Quidditch players. Oh, in the middle, you set the most impressive words for Regulus. He cared Sirius. I’m very impressed. The mind movement of Sirius is also interesting. Because it shifted from his jealous feeling to his younger brother and to his dearest girl.
The latter half, reckless Sirius is really well written. Girls are always like boys’ mothers or big sisters for boys. This scene is like many other stories about boys…oh boys… Full of jealous Sirius reminded me of Harry who had the same feeling towards Ginny and Dean when they were snogging. Godson behaves like his godfather, right? Gryffindor sometimes feels so lonely. That’s the strongest motivation to fight for, at the same time, the weakest point. Your description of Sirius let me think like that. ;) Hmm, you let Millie say “For Regulus’s sake, , I hoped that wasn’t true.” I hope so, too. If he had such a feeling to tell his brother the danger coming, there was a chance to go back to the right track from the Death Eater.
Well, you let them kiss finally! I’ve waited for the scene! Yay! I expected this here, a good timing!
Transferred from HPFF
2nd April 2017:
Jailbreak for Asphodel review for CTF ROUND2!
As I read your previous story, I came to love your Millie and Sirius. I read you’re an on the bottom. Is this your first ever fic? Incredible. I’m jealous. Your description of each character’s emotion is well written. The most favorite spot is this: the last part of Sirius’s POV. “She’s fastidiously ignoring my existence,” I replied in a monotone. Merlin, I just missed her so bad. I missed kissing her, and holding her, and listening to her talk, and watching her draw, and making her hide her secret smiles at my idiocy behind the curtain of her hair. I missed the smell of her blueberry shampoo as she tucked her head underneath my chin, and the way her firewhiskey eyes lit up when she laughed, and the moments when she’d slip her hand into mine as we walked back from the library after our Arithmancy study sessions.”
Compared with the dialogues at the previous chapters, these descriptions are very deep and touched my heart. What you began writing with flying scene added the taste more. Sadly, this is forum event, I couldn’t have a chance to know why they were nearly broke up state, the thirst for seeking each other is very bittersweet and echoes into my heart. As I read your Chai series, your beautiful words I know well, but you had already the talent in this story.
In the latter half, you went back to the Potions class scene, I thought some bad Slytherin would attack her first, but thanks, it was Sirius who got closer to Millie. I could their heart beat reading that scene. Sirius asked her to visit the kitchens after dinner. I could feel his determination for her. I hope I could continue reading next.
Back for another one.
So I think this was the point in the story where I really started reading it in the queue. I think I was really struck by how harsh both Millie and Sirius can be towards each other. Personally, I find it amazing that they can manage to be around each other at all. I mean with how hositle and sarcastic Millie is, it's pretty amazing that Sirius can even tolerate her.
I did find it pretty funny that Millie climbed out of the bathroom window to escape Lily and James. I can imagine the two of them being sort of sappy and uncomfortable. Funnier still that Sirius got stuck being the awkward third wheel.
I like how astute Millie is in the first bit. Lily is clearly uncomfortable with her feelings and using her friend's presence as a crutch. The nerves are really sweet.
It's hard to imagine at this point that Millie and Sirius might actually get to a point where they're friendly with each other. Millie seems so dead set on hating him.
I'll be back for more reviews soon!
I'm running out of ways to start these reviews. :D
I thought you did a pretty good job of describing the Quidditch match. I would've liked to read perhaps a tiny bit more detail or action before they went into the race for the snitch, but all in all, it was solid. I like how you did the Slytherin/Gryffindor rivalry for the first match too.
I loved that Dumbledore showed up for the first match, but that he can't really pick sides since he's the headmaster. That seems to be reserved for the end of the year feast in which he awards Gryffindor an absurd amount of points so they can win the house cup. Anyway, I think his presence makes the game seem extra special and puts a little extra pressure on the Gryffies to win it.
Millie's catch was pretty spectacular. I was on the edge of my seat reading it. I wasn't sure if she was going to get it or Regulus was going to shove her out of the way. It reminded me a lot of some of Harry's catches.
I also enjoyed Lily's over reaction to Millie's injuries. I mean she fell, but clearly she's alright if everyone was allowed into the hospital to see her. I did chuckle a good bit when Madame Pomfrey was chidding her for being injured again.
I like how you wrote Lily finally breaking down and admitting that she might like James. I imagine her being pretty horrified about it, so I liked the hesitance and shyness about it. Really well done on that bit.
It is interesting that Millie didn't know about Hogsmeade nor did Sirius think to ask her about it. I mean if they're going to pretend date, I'd think they'd need to be a bit more like a real couple. We'll see where it goes though.
The first public display of relationship-ness seemed to go smoothly. It seems that just sitting next to each other and whispering about things during class had the effect that Sirius was looking for. It's amazing how focused every one is on the two of them and their love lives.
I love how Millie was able to fake attention while sleeping and how quickly she was able to pull an answer out of her sleeve when called upon. That's some masterful skill right there.
This was a quick chapter, but a nice little look at the beginnings of their relationship. I can already see Millie starting to warm up to Sirius a bit even though she seems to be fighting it. She's at least progressed from not speaking to him at all to having polite conversations. I suppose that's an improvement.
I still have no idea how they're going to really pull this off in the beginning when Millie so clearly dislikes him. I mean I get that eventually that changes, but for now, I'm intensely curious about how she doesn't blow the cover.
So my question from the last review was answered. Now I know why Millie would participate in this hairbrained scheme. I'm still not really sure why people believe Marissa, but that's beside the point.
Sirius' logic is relatively solid in this. He does a good job of arguing through all of Millie's loopholes until he finally gets her to committ. I wonder if she'd continued to say no, if he'd have kept at it or at what point he would've given up.
I feel sort of bad for Rex. Poor guy. Smitten after one date? Seems like he might have some issues he needs to work out.
Wow. So Sirius is a creep. The whole wet shirt comment kind of grosses me out. I mean I know he's a teenage boy and all, but still. Not really the appropriate thing to say.
I think it's interesting how upset Sirius is over being dumped by Marissa. It seems like he has girls lined up to choose from so why be so upset about this one?
I have one particular question in regards to Sirius' scheme. Why does he even have to tell another person about the plan? Like couldn't he just ask one of his fangirls out without telling them why he's doing it? I feel like that would solve the problem without things getting so complicated. I mean Millie's sworn herself to secrecy, so I think it would work out okay.
Also, I'm not sure I really grasp Marissa's plan all that well on it's own. When she's telling everyone that she dated Sirius and broke his heart, I'm not really understanding why anyone would believe her. I mean, he's a notorious playboy. Why would anyone think that he loved her or felt any differently about her than he did about any of the other girls?
On to the next one!
Ah. So here we are.
Millie is emotionally unavailable and so she's dumping poor Rex after a single date. I do think it's odd that they'd even have to have a break up after a single date. I feel like where I come from, you sort of have to have been dating for awhile before that's warranted, but I'm really splitting hairs here. Anyway, so she's emotionally available and she seems to burn through guys just as fast as Sirius is burning through chicks.
Now to Sirius. I do find it a bit cliche that he's all shaken up about being dumped, but I can move past that. Overall, I enjoyed seeing his confident, sort of playboy attitude shaken up a bit.
Remus' assessment of him sort of seems to hit the nail on the head so to speak. I also love that it's Remus who has the idea for the prank, not James or Sirius. I feel like all too often, he gets portrayed as a complete goody two shoes, but I have to imagine that as one of the Marauders, he must have a wild streak in there somewhere.
They're seventeen. Even single dates mean something. And it's different for everyone, I guess. I think it's still polite to let someone else know that you don't really see them romantically. And yes - emotional unavailability is something both Millie and Sirius have in common, which is rather unfortunate.
Some people take rejection better than others. I've always seen Sirius not being very good at failure, since he was born into privilege and is of above average intelligence. And again, he's seventeen. Emotions are running high, and everything is larger than life.
Remus is one astute person - except when it comes to romantic feelings directed towards him, of course. And I bet Remus' wild streak is a mile wide!
Back for another one!
Ahh. So the fabled meeting between Sirius and Millie. I feel like it went about as well as I expected it to. But seriously, who asks someone who's parents have been murdered if they miss them much. Seriously? That's the worst line/fake compassion ever. No wonder Millie hates him. I think I would too.
I love how brutal Millie is in dealing with Sirius. She shuts him up pretty quickly and makes him well aware that she's not interested.
Of course, since the two of them seem to mesh as well as oil and water, I have the feeling that they're going to be forced into some sort of shenaniganry together. I sitll can't quite fathom how Sirius might convince Millie to join one of his hairbrained schemes.
The fabled meeting! Finally! To be fair to Sirius, knowing the social protocol around mourning is pretty tough. Although, as far as casual chitchat goes, he may have gone too intense, too fast. I've always thought that his sympathies were genuine, just rather misplaced.
Millie just has no time for him. She has better things to do, honestly. Like concentrate in Potions class.
Shenanigans are coming! Of course, they are all of Sirius' making, and therefore, flimsy at best. Such are the charms of Sirius Orion Black!
Back for the next chapter!
I love that everyone is so dumbfounded by Millie and Remus' conversation. I mean is it really that odd that the two of them spoke politely to each other? Remus seems the type to be into books, so I think it's fitting that he'd notice what Millie was reading.
I also really liked how you started to show the way that James is evolving in terms of his infatuation with Lily. All too often, when people write Lily/James it's this weird sort of love at first sight thing where Lily really loved him all along and they sort of skip over any evolution of the relationship. It's nice to see that you've included parts that show him making an effort to be a better guy for her. I can also see the moments where maybe, just maybe, her mind is starting to change a little bit.
Poor Sarah and her infatuation with Remus. Knowing how thick he was about Tonks and her feelings as an adult, I feel like it's going to be pretty tough for her to get through to him.
I'm looking forward to seeing how Sirius and Millie's first interactions go.
It is not odd at all that Millie and Remus spoke. They are simply surrounded by idiots :P Some of those people are also a little jealous, too...
I can't see Lily as a love at first sight type of person. Also, James is not that great when we see him at age fifteen. It is far more plausible to me that he really had to mature before Lily even thought to give him the time of day.
Whatever Remus is like as an adult, I imagine it would've been fifty times worse when he was a teenager. Poor Sarah, indeed!
Thanks for the wonderful review, Kaitlin :)
Awhile back, I promised you a bunch of reviews on this excellent story. I'm here to start living up to that promise. Sorry it's taken me ages, but life has been keeping me occupied.
So, oddly enough when I validated this story, I happened to really start reading it around chapter 6 or 7, so I thought I'd take a moment to re-visit the beginning of this and see where it all began.
i think this starts off nicely. You do a great job of showing the dynamic between Millie, Lily, James and Sirius pretty quickly. I like that James is interested in Lily, but not super overbearing at this point. It shows a bit of maturity on his part.
Millie easily comes off as the sarcastic one in the group, which I certainly appreciate. I feel like we could be friends. :)
Anyway, I'm off to the next chapter! I'll be back with more reviews in a bit!
Hey, Kaitlin! Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review! Your little messages during validation were very flattering, so I'm very excited to hear your thoughts in more detail.
Ah, where it all began. Really, where my journey as a writer all began, too. These first few chapters are... well, they show that I'm a new writer, I think. Besides that, I'm still very proud of them. I wanted to get dynamics between characters out of the way relatively quickly, so that I could move onto changing them.
Millie is sooo sarcastic. Amazingly, I've written more sarcastic people than she. I'm pleased that you think y'all could be friends!
See you soon!