Hello, Deana! Happy holidays! :)
I'm here with a review for your wishlist! :)
Well, this was surely a hard blow for the Weasleys... poor Molly, she was so broken... it's terrible... I can't imagine how hard it would be for a mother to discover that her child is a criminal... and, well, of course it's so horrible for Arthur and for all the kids as well, but I'm not surprised Molly was the most hurt of all, since she's dedicated to her children her whole life... :(
I felt so bad for everyone... for Draco, who had to deliver the news (how do you break such a terrible news to people who've been taking care of you and giving you affection when you were most lonely and vulnerable?) for all the Weasleys... even for Minerva... it is an ungrateful role the one she's taking... and it must be unnerving to be constantly questioned about her decisions... I bet no one would have dared do so with Dumbledore... but at the same time I can't completely blame everyone else for having doubts... there is a lot going on...
I wonder what consequences for the family Percy's arrest would actually have? After all, he is the black sheep of the family, it's hard to imagine anyone suspecting the Weasleys as a whole to be siding with Voldemort... but people can be opinionated and unfair that way, I guess... :/ Ah, I'm so angry at Percy right now! And the fact that he used Arthur's good intentions against them all makes me even angrier! The disbelief everyone was feeling... I even changed his diapers for crying out loud! Yeah, that would put it into perspective...
This review is a bit of a mess, just for a change, and I'm sure I'm forgetting something foundamental to say, but anyway I loved this chapter, as hurtful as it was! It was so emotional and I think you dealt with everyone's different reactions pretty well! Everyone was perfectly in character and it was such a good revelation scene! I'm a bit scared of what will happen once the news will inevitably become of public domain...
Happy holidays and snowball hug!
Hi Deana! I’m here for the Rager :D
I really like how you’ve taken Voldemort’s tyranny to new heights in this fic. He thinks he owns his Death Eaters and I can totally see him being angry that anything—even a child—is distracting Lucius from his duties. But poor Narcissa being caught up in all this—covering for her husband—having to give birth with Voldemort in the house! Ugh!
Okay, when Voldemort brands baby Draco—that’s bad. But the way he taunts Lucius by pointing out the fact that Draco is going to hate him—is even worse. And again, just the sort of thing Voldemort would do—torture his victims twice over. And what’s even worse than that is that he’s sort of right. Lucius is trying to save Draco, but he’s promised that Draco’s life will be one of total servitude.
Narcissa is more practical. While Lucius is worrying about events that may never happen, Narcissa pragmatically points out that at least their son is alive.
Baby Draco smiling at his dad makes my heart melt a little.
I’m sorry that Narcissa is now as upset as Lucius. I guess they have made a bad bargain with a madman.
I hope they think of something!
Very emotion packed first chapter! Nice work on this :D
I'm coming bearing a Christmas gift!
As I was reading this chapter (and chapter 10), I kept thinking back to a story I had read-a one shot about Percy turning traitor and becoming a Death Eater. I was thinking, "I have to tell Deana about this story. It fits in perfectly with her thinking." Then I glanced over your AP and realized that it was your own one shot that I had reviewed ages ago. LOL! No wonder you felt just like the author. I think you did a great job shocking people with the identity of the spy. (The only reason I made the connection before hand was because I had already read the one-shot.)
You did a great job with Draco and Saleena's dynamics in this chapter. I can see Draco growing up a bit (thinking about the consequences of his information on the Weasley's, not just spewing it out at the most advantageous time for himself or to get the best reaction.) I can also see how close the two are/have become during his convalescence. I suspect that she's been keeping him bolstered up and after she leaves, his current predictament is really going to hit him.
A was a bit surprised with Saleena's behavior. While I understand her desire to understand how Percy could betray his family, I felt like she pushed Draco too much, to the point she seemed to be nagging instead of talking or healing. He made it very clear that he wasn't ready to talk about it yet and she kept pushing. At least, at the end, she recognized that she was basing this badgering on her own assumptions.
Your explanation of why Percy turned traitor make perfect sense. I often wondered why he was placed in Gryffindor as he exhibited so many Slytherin traits. (I am in no way acting like Ron Weasley and saying that Slytherins are all bad; however, he definitely as the Slytherin trait of being achievement-oriented. When paired with his, probably low self confidence, he's easy prey to manipulate.
I hope you have a very merry Christmas!
Hey Deana! I could have sworn that I reviewed this chapter before, but I guess not. Anyhooo, I'm here with another gift for the Rager for you.
Man, you really feel for Lucious here. Say what you want about the man, but you know that he loved his son and wife. And I can 110% see Narcissa giving her life to try to save Draco's. The Malfoys may have been awful people, but they were loyal to one another. That really comes across in the letter than Lucious had written Arthur. The line about Lucious not being one to beg for anything was spot on. You can feel his desperation, and desperate was something we rarely saw from him. No wonder Arthur knew that it was legit. I did appreciate the little snippet about Snape. It shows that, even though this is an AU, he's still on the side of good.
I feel like Molly's initial reaction was justified. She really has no reason to trust any of the Malfoy's, even Draco. I'm sure she's heard enough about the awful things he had said to her children, Harry, and Hermione over the years. Not to mention, it was pretty much his fault that Dumbledore was murdered that night. He was the one to let the Death Eaters into the school. So I don't think she overreacted at all. Yet, Arthur had a point. It's an opportunity to help Draco in a way he's never been helped before. A way to give him a second chance. Hopefully the influence of the Weasley's will be a good one for him, and point him in the right moral direction.
Yeah, I'm sure it's going to go over swimmingly with Ron, Harry, Ginny, Hermione and the rest of Molly and Arthur's kids that Draco will be under their care. But again, I wouldn't blame them for being angry, or untrusting. Draco was a little worm to them all at one point or another. But, they all have more important things to worry about at the moment. Like taking down Voldemort. I'm sure no one will be really happy about the situation, Draco included, but they'll all just have to deal for now.
Sorry it's been forever since I've been by to review. After the holidays, and the gift event is over, I want to get to a few people's pages to catch up on their work.
Hi Deana! I'm here for your Christmas wishlist.
I've been eyeing this story up for ages, so this was the perfect opportunity to dive in and see exactly what everyone's been raving about. I loved this prologue and think it's a really clever twist on the Malfoy family. You have taken a really unlikable character of Lucius Malfoy and turned him into a character that I felt really sorry for.
Having Voldemort at the birth of your child must have been traumatic for Narcissa and what followed was heartbreaking. The fact that Voldemort was so willing to kill the innocent child just to spite the Malfoys was awful, but then what followed with the Unbreakable Vow, and branding the poor baby with the Dark Mark was even more evil than I could have imagined, even for him. I can't imagine Lucius being able to do anything else to save his son, so I can sympathise with him that he tried everything he could to keep him alive.
Voldemort has now created his perfect follower - brought up learning the ways of the dark arts surrounded by the Death Eaters. I'm so excited to see where this twist on canon goes. Great job!
Merry Christmas! - Tasha x
Deana! Here for your requested review!
So Roxi and Draco finally get to have a conversation, eh? I really like how you switch between their points of view, handing off the moment from one person to the other. And their beginning interactions are so awkward! Ahahaha. I definitely cringed at the beginning of their conversation.
I find it intriguing that Draco feels so warm towards Roxi straight away. I imagine Draco would keep up his icy exterior and snobby arrogance for a while longer when meeting someone new, but he does seem rather taken by her. Sure, there's seeing a cute person and reacting in a giddy or flirteous manner. But Draco's reaction to Roxi seems more of the "Romeo and Juliet" reaction, love at first sight (or at least, tender vulnerability at first sight).
And I get a similar sense from Roxi, too. She's very interested in getting to deep, darker stuff out of Draco and then painting a clear picture of who she is. She seems to be rather spunky, determined to stand out as different, and a tad oblivious (I love how Tonks indirectly calls her out on going into the kitchen, ahahaha). Her story about her father is heartbreaking as well.
There's a lot of vulnerability in this chapter between Draco and Roxi. They feel so compelled to be vulnerable with each other after having only just met. I wonder why? And of course, there seems to be little time for their relationship to develop because VOLDEMORT IS AT THE BURROW. Nooooo! What a cliff hanger!!
Hi Deana! I’m here for our swap and also EvS team Emerald.
I have been agonizing over whether to skip into where I had previously stopped reviewing after a bunch of reading through the beginning to jog my memory or to just start fresh. As I’m sure you can gather from my appearance on this first chapter, I’ve decided to go ahead and plunge into this story from the start.
I don’t remember enough to justify skipping through - I know the rough character outlines, but I don’t recall almost any of the plot and, on top of that, I’m fairly sure you’ve done some edits to this in the meantime which would make my flimsy knowledge apply even less. But anyway, on the topic of the story -
This is a really gripping prologue. Right off the bat the stakes are made crystal clear: Voldemort is getting stronger and this does not spell happiness on the horizon for the Malfoys.
It’s a chilling image - giving birth in the presence of Lord Voldemort. I can’t imagine that is an altogether comfortable scene.
It feels exceedingly cruel for Voldemort to feel so strongly about his followers having children during the war. I always struggled to find how he was able to grow his following so strong with him having such a need for control. He would be the worst of the worst of bosses haha. But of course, the reason Lucius goes along with what he says in this chapter is the same reason he follows him; fear.
I’m actually not surprised that Voldemort wants to raise a perfect Death Eater from birth. In a way, I wouldn’t put it past him to have counted on this outcome. That feels like something he’d be drawn to - a very extreme form of his need for obedience and control.
Him giving Draco the Dark Mark from birth is WILD. Like, I can’t believe that happens right at the beginning of the story. Certainly sets the tone of the story going forward.
I understand where Lucius is coming from, but he’s being super hard on himself. He literally had NO choice.
He does make a good point about possibly breeding an absolute monster here. There’s sort of every chance that could happen if he actually keeps his vow. There’s a whole host of ways this could go terribly wrong and I literally can’t imagine this doesn’t come back to destroy everyone’s lives eventually. I can’t wait to see where you take this - the introduction alone left me on the edge of my seat.
Thank you very much for the swap, Deana!
Deana, my love! Hi!
Wow, this chapter was so intense! I have to start with how well you've handled Draco's reactions and written his emotions as he struggles with his trauma. I was affected by his emotions just by reading, and I have to say it was my favourite thing about this chapter. It kept me on the edge of my seat, especially when it was revealed that Saleena could help him by erasing some recent memories!
So, we all know that Saleena, Draco, and Roxi are the number one best things about this story, and I think that's why I enjoyed this chapter so much, because it's pretty much just them! They interact like real people and everything about them feels so alive and tangible. I don't know how you do it! Whenever they're all in a scene together, I'm so just invested and always desperate to find out what happens next!
I loved Tonks' sassiness towards the Minister! She's the best!
I especially loved how Draco found himself so affected by Theodore's attack because Draco saw himself in Theodore. I think that's a believable thing for Draco to believe and to read his realizaion was amazing. I really feel like this chapter was a turning point for Draco in his recovery, and I'm really excited to find out what happens next! Especially with his recent memories removed, I wonder what he'll be like now!
Good luck with April's camp!
Hey Deana! Here for your requested review!
The conversation between Draco and Saleena was hea-vvyyy. There are so many little details and complexities that have gone into Percy's betrayal. It's interesting how Saleena at first states that she understands why Draco kept this information a secret and then continues to probe him for more informiaton on Percy's Death Eater activities. Come on, Saleena! Pick one and stick to it! I know that there's a war going on, but you're not going to win Draco over by going back and forth like that. And also... Draco clearly has been through lots of trauma, so pushing him to relive it in this way isn't the most productive, I think. Also, Draco needs therapy so he can begin to healthily COPE with this trauma. Goodness me, I have never felt so sorry for Draco Malfoy as I do now.
“I just want to know what he did to you, Draco. Is that so much to ask?”
YES, SALEENA, YES IT IS!
“Truly, I am. I never should have brought it up. You're right; it was none of my business. Can you forgive me for allowing my curiosity to get the best of me tonight?”
UMM, maybe? It's gonna take some work, Saleena!
But Draco is so easy to forgive her. That goes to show how close of a relationship the two of them have. It's nice to see Draco have someone he can confide in like that (even though I didn't really like her approach in this chaptr).
But that ending! It's rather ominous! "Don't let them change you." Ooooh, I cannot wait to see how she's changed! :P
So. Percy a Death Eater. This is really AU. I'm not so sure how I feel about how much AU this story is. I guess now I don't really know which characters to trust to be themselves?
I thought Molly's reaction to the news was pretty spot on. It's in line with canon (like her breaking things when someone mentions Percy's name, the boggart showing the deaths of her children, etc). And that her cry of grief could be heard from downstairs is fitting for the situation. I also liked how Molly understood what Draco was saying before Arthur caught on. It was a good showing of a reaction unfolding rather that just plain stating it.
I also applaud you with Remus. I feel that you write him true to his character in the books. Like how he sort of mediates between McGonagall and the rest of them when they're arguing. And he speaks in a soft voice when he does. It felt very Remusy to me :)
I do have two questions about Percy. 1) when Percy imperiused Arthur a few chapters ago, how long did that last? Is Arthur still under the curse? 2) Why didn't Percy try to join the Order as a spy? Unless all new recruits have to take Veritaserum? But I feel like he could get grandfathered in. Or that there would be a reasonable chance that he would be grandfathered in. It seems like that was a good opportunity to waste for Voldemort.
I like the image of the last two sentences. Tonks, Roxi, and Fleur all together. They are all (or seem to be for Roxi) all very independent, strong women. I could see them clashing like nobody's business or being an unstoppable force if they band together!
Alwynse for your requested review ~~
Hey there, here for your requested review!
So we FINALLY get a thorough explanation of what a gypsy is. And I was a bit confused in the earlier chapters because we have gypsies in our world, and I was like, "aren't they just them...? or are they related??" But they seem to be different. Ish. I don't know that much about gypsies, so what do I know.
As for Saleena and how she's tied up all in this mess, I'm interested in where she's going to end up. How will her mother react? How will her Clan react? Will she end up taking charge and becoming Queen? The whole magic without a wand is interesting too. It has me thinking -- what if the Gypsies were the original magical people? And maybe others could harness magic but only with the use of a tool - a wand? That would be pretty dope!
I'm rather surprised that McGonagall did the interrogation on her own. Like, what if Saleena actually was bad and overpowered her and then imperiused her to tell the Order that Saleena passed the truth telling test? It's quite risky.
My biggest compliment for this chapter is that you've done well in making internal turmoil for Saleena. That's one of the best ways to make readers get into the story. Saleena wants to be dedicated to the Order as much as possible, but she refuses to go back to the Clan. But going back to the Clan is the best way to help the Order. So will she give up something to defeat Voldemort??
A critique I have is about your perspectives. You flip-flop between characters a lot. And since your writing in third person, it's acceptable to change point of views, but personally I think it should be one scene having one point of view. You sometimes have point of views changing every other paragraph. It makes reading it disjointed. Here's an example:
'Minerva could not have been more pleased with Saleena's answer. "Excellent answer," she said. "I suppose that settles it then. Congratulaions, Saleena, and welcome to the Order of the Phoenix."
"That's it? Really?" Saleena could not believe that it was really that simple. "That seems a bit too easy. You mean to tell me that, after all the time I spent fretting over this meeting, that that was all you wanted to know?"'
You have Minvera being pleased with Saleena's answer. This is from Minerva's perspective, and thus, Saleena couldn't have known Minerva was pleased unless Minerva looked pleased. In that case, Saleena should think that Minerva looked pleased by that answer. And then in the next paragraph, you switch to Saleena, who couldn't believe it was that simple. So if you were in Minerva's perspective the paragraph before, she would have known that Saleena was thinking/feeling that.
Hey Deana! Here for your requested review!
AHHH. I was right, I was right, I was right, I was right! Percy!!!!
But also... nooooooooooo! I really like how Molly and Arthur piece it together after Draco's stalling. Yeah, I suppose he's trying to spare their feelings, but they're going to be heartbroken anyway, so you might as well be direct. Maybe this is where my personality difference from Draco is really apparent, lol.
And I'm also curious to know why Percy chose to become a Death Eater. Was it because he felt intimidated? Threatened? Or did he really convert to pureblood supremacy? Hmmm, so many questions.
Ooooh, if I were Ginny, I would be so angry if I ever found out my family was hiding something THIS HUGE from me, but I suppose that comes from personal experience. I think the Weasleys should tell her, tbh.
And Fleur! Are she and Bill married? I would be hurt if I wasn't in the room to be told that my brother-in-law was a traitor. Oh my goodness! But I suppose there is not easy way to break the news like this...
Things aren't looking too good for the Order right now. Minerva is also an honest leader. Dumbledore would be the puppeteer behind everything and everyone had be been alive... but I suppose Minerva cannot do that, for she's a different person with a different personality and still incredible skill and worth. And she's given the next steps on what to do... and so now we wait and see what unfolds. Gahhh, war!
(What is it good for?)
Hey Deana – Buttercup here for another review :D
I was really saddened that Saleena had to leave Draco – and so was he it seems – his only true ally and probably the closest thing he has to family at the moment. BUT I’m just super pumped to see Saleena interact with the gypsies – that’s gotta be exciting – I wonder how they will welcome her – with open arms or with suspicion? Hmm…
And I LOVE Roxi! She’s got so much spunk. I love that she’s a true romantic and an optimist – I really feel like this is what Draco needs - they compliment each other really nicely. I just loved that she intensively stared into his eyes when they met! And Draco gaping at her baffled by it all. Roxi is definitely the kind of gal I’d want to be pals with – she seems like a lot of fun.
And it totally makes sense that Percy would be the spy although it breaks my heart. I mean, he isn’t really part of the family anymore but darn did he have to sink so low? I don’t know if you can tell, but I actually rather like book-Percy (I know he’s a git, but idk I just feel really sad for him) – I don’t have any sympathy for him here though. The way Draco was hesitant in revealing this bit of information also shows a lot about his character – that sometimes we keep the truth from people to avoid hurting them. It must hurt having your son turn out to be a traitor – and I can totally imagine Arthur and Molly be in denial at first and Molly bursting out in tears, all of this followed by guilt, thinking it is their fault that he turned out that way.
Also I needed to add in that I loved this line: “A Death Eater?” said George in disbelief. “As in hail Voldemort, long-live the purebloods. I have a dark mark, let’s go kill someone – that kinda Death Eater?” hehe, that is such a Fred/George thing to say :D
I think you really manage to capture the paranoia of everyone’s situation – with the false accusations, the denial, the fear. This is such a dark time and I hope that Saleena will play a vital role in overthrowing Voldemort! Along with the trio, Draco and Roxi of course :P
Hello! I’ve been eying this story for a while, so FROGs season seemed a perfect reason to begin reading!
Hm... Why would a well-known family of Death Eaters be concerned that the tides were turning toward the Dark Lord? The most obvious reason would be that they now have a son to raise, and a Dark Lord would get in the way of that.
Uh, why exactly would the Malfoys want a natural birth at home as opposed to one at the hospital? I feel like for the sake of the baby, it might be better to have the son at the hospital. I don’t know it just seems suspicious to me, unless it has something to do with the Dark Lord’s plans with this baby.
Wait, the baby has to go? Is Voldemort going to up and kill this child??? God, that’s—! That’s unbelievably cruel, but we already know what measures he’s willing to take, and what he’s capable of. The baby doesn’t deserve this.
“…our little Draco...” That just put chills down my spine; vile words from a vile person—if you could even call him that.
The Malfoys seem more pitiable than regal now, and I only feel sympathy for them as parents. Must be hard giving away the life of your only son, even if it was to avoid death.
Perhaps death would have been kinder, but still. That’s a freaking baby.
To live a life without choice—to me—seems unbearable. I know what it is to live without a choice, and it sucks like hell.
This really put a nuanced perspective on what Narcissa and Lucius are thinking of in regards to their son, and I truly feel for the Malfoys now, and I’m hoping that that things turn out okay. Who knows, I guess, except for you?
Great chapter! x
Hi hun! I’m making my way through the FROGS Finalists and am so glad that I am finally getting around to reading your story! I have been wanting to read it for a while now, especially since you shared those snippets during NaNo.
This is such a fascinating premise! It honestly breaks my heart. I find myself supporting Lucius 100%, though. If my baby’s life had been threatened as Draco’s was, I would have done anything to save her. Anything. I can see why Lucius is upset with himself and feeling like a failure and like he has doomed his son, but I would have done the same thing if it meant saving my child’s life. I imagine that Draco will probably grow to resent his father for this, but he can’t possibly understand everything that went through Lucius’s mind in that moment.
I hope to to be back to read more soon! I’ve got quite a few stories to read before voting, so I’m off to the next one now, but you’ve got me intrigued and I hope to be back.
Hey Deana – this is your super secret snake with the super badass name Buttercup coming to review your super exciting story!
And can I just emphasize how original this story is? The fact that you make the war ongoing is such an incredible concept. And this is one hell of a book already, and everything’s very complex and well-rounded with an more or less equal emphasis on every character. I think you’ve manage to create an exceptionally great characters in Saleena!! She’s guarded and careful, a shell needs to be cracked open so to speak. Saleena shows a lot of courage at multiple points – for example when she stands her ground to protect Draco, I really loved that scene! And her backstory is super interesting, that gypsy-concept is original af and it was great learning some more about it in this chapter. And omg her dynamic with McGonagall is really fun to read and I enjoyed all he bits about the gypsies. The plot really took a turn here!
Another thing that I really admire is your ability to keep the canon characters in character – everyone has their distinct voice from the books – a great example of this is when the trio found out Draco had been taken in by the Weasleys – the way Ron said “who cares – just throw him on the street” is very Ron-like (I love Ron btw. but he really can be a massive git!). Harry well, was Harry shouting and taking charge, but also the most sympathetic since he knows what it’s like to be an orphan. And then came draco snapping ‘the weasley’s excuse of a home” – I could hear his voice so clearly in my head!! I just really wanted to stress how great I thought your portrayal of them is.
Speaking of Draco, he’s also grown quite a lot already and I love when people make him more redeemable than Rowling did. And speaking of redeemable characters – I’m super sad and angry that Percy would rat out his family! There’s really no coming back from that. But my favorite character has to be Arthur! God I love him, he’s such a great man even if he’s not your typical hero, but he’s something much more important: kind, level-headed and always there for his family (and others). He’s hard not to love and I’ve always considered him Harry’s most important father-figure.
I’m just really excited to learn what will happen next – I feel like this is one of those stories where everything could happen! Just overall great job :D
HELLO DEANA! Because it took me forever and a half to fulfill your review requests, here is a BONUS review! And because this story is awesome. But I digress.
I really like the beginning scene. Draco is finally recovering and is regaining his strength. Now that he's more alert, I really get to see the dynamic between him and Saleena. And I love it! They have such an incredible rapport. And I like how honest they are with each other. The Draco I've read isn't very honest with very many people, so it's refreshing to know that there's someone he can speak openly with. And Saleena, showing her stubbornness, trying not to open up, but Draco manages it. Love their rapport!
And that tension between McGonagall and Draco... what a great way to lead up to this Order meeting! Oofffda. So much mistrust. It clear in this scene that the war with Voldemort is really taking its toll on people. There's so much tension! And that secret that Draco's holding onto... oh my goodness! I'm glad that MacGonagall had the sense to bring him and Molly and Arthur into another room...
But I want to end on an excited note. WE FINALLY GET TO MEET ROXI! About time! There have been hints of her here and there and now... BAM! I love how you wrote Draco and Roxi first seeing each other, how you switch from their point of views, how they both have similar (yet different) instinctual reactions. This is the making of the main ship to carry us through the story, whoooooo! :D
Babycakes! I’m here for our swap!!
It’s been a while since I first read this chapter, and forgot just how horrifying it was. I can easily see Voldemort being unhappy if any of his Death Eaters had a child without clearing it with him first. He’s such a control freak, that of course he’d even want to control the reproduction habits of his followers. Absolutely horrifying.
It’s no secret that even as a Slytherin I am less than fond of the Malfoys. I think Lucius is a slug, and that Draco was an unbearable twit. Narcissa I can just barely tolerate, because she saved Harry’s life. So the fact that you made me feel sympathy for all of them is a testament to your writing. No parents should have to go through what the Malfoys just did. And no child should be damned mere moments after being born. It’s truly tragic, and I really did feel horrible for them.
Ya know, knowing how this story goes, like Lucius is obviously going to break is Vow. Yeah, he’ll raise Draco to believe purebloods are superior, but Draco obviously isn’t going to become a full fledged Death Eater. So won’t that cause his father to die, because of the Vow? Obviously I’ll find that out, because I swear I’m going to finish this within the next few weeks.
I think that Lucius is right to think that Draco may end up hating him. I would 100% hate my parents if they damned me like that. Maybe it would be better just not to exist at all. But hopefully it’ll all work out for him in the end. Which I’m assuming it will. ;)
I’m sorry it’s taken me ages to review this. I swear I’ll get my shiz together, and get back to this asap. Love you, my dear!!
Hugs and love,
Other Wifey <33
So Hello Saleena! So you really dived straight into the story with her, the scene was quite long but I didn't feel that it dragged at all. I was very much interested what 'you people' meant. I think you kept that going quite nicely and it all got unravelled throughout the conversation even though I'm not sure what three gifts might be or how she uses them. I like there is still a element of mystery around that.
I like how most of the information that we get about Saleena is through the dialogue. It is very obvious that you've painted her as very strong (she can stand up for herself.) She seems to have a strong moral compass in regards to the tribe that she disagrees with and against voldemort. It's an unique background I think.
Her connection to the Malfoys as long running is good like I'm just wondering what she had to do to Draco as a baby.
I always think it's interesting that Molly Weasley always seems to superstitious about attractive women or ones that are good with men. She didn't like Fleur or she was unsure on Hermione when she thought Hermione had Harry and Krum on the go. I'm not sure what that's about but it's a running them right? I think it's pretty in character that she would be slightly disapproving of Saleena at least until she gets to know her more.
- Abbi xo
So I like the beginning because it really gives us all the concepts and context for the story and it puts the reader right in the middle of the story so they have good ideas of whos whos and whats happening. I'm sad that Percy isn't more part of the family but that's something that was kinda touched on in canon. I know this is AU but it seems like some elements of canon you've using so it'll be interesting to see how develops in the next few chapters.
The part when Arthur gets the letter, I think you captured very well his instincts about something being off. It is a sign of his experiences and the war that is brewing. I thought it was a small but wonderful bit of characterisation.
Lucius' letter: you've done wonderfully here at capturing all his emotions. You can really feel like his emotions and that desperation that he feels wanting what is best for Draco and his pain at Narcissa's death. I thought some of the wording was interesting because he says 'she died to save him' which is of course what happened with Lily and Harry so I'm wondering if some protection or something will come into play later in the story.
I thought the way you wrote Molly was really good, you've really nailed that fierce protection side to her. She is very aware of her responsibilities to her family and also her own moral values. I liked the way you wrote her inner monologue when she is deciding about Draco. The dialogue in that end scene was exceptional done, the back and forth between Molly and Arthur was very well played. I'm glad that Arthur could stand his ground to convince her as it sounds Draco really needs help.
I think this story looks very interesting and has a lot of promise. I think the concept seems unique from what I've read so much. well done!
- Abbi xo
For: Magical Menagerie/RvG
Deana! Here for the magical menagerie, gryffindor's rvg, your requested review, yolo, and for the story of course!
So this is a big chapter in terms of background information vital for one of your major plots. Wow! I appreciate how you give a nod to our beloved JKR and use Hermione reading text aloud to give us a lot of necessary and crucial bits of information. I think your Gypsy plot is an interesting addition to the HP-verse, and it is something that I can see happening. A group of magical people NOT wanting to live in secrecy? I'm excited to see you explore that. I'm also intrigued by the sexism within this society as well, concerning males. I'm all for female empowerment, but I'm curious to know why males are seemingly made subservent. Then again, the author of that text is clearly an outsider from that community, so maybe the written facts are slightly off from the truth.
And the conversation between McGonagall and Saleena is so intense! I had to read over a couple sections of it a few times to identify the many complexities you've layered into it. There is definitely a lot of trust issues between McGonagall and Saleena, and I can understand both of their perspectives. Good job to you as a writer for teasing out this gray area--this is one of my favorite things to write and read about! There is no easy solution. Saleena should probably amend her statement to "I'm willing to go as far as I can go" because the quickest solution IS to become Queen... though I think Saleena's insight might be valuable, so I'm okay with the compromised decision for her to at least finish her training and start to gain the trust of her people back.
Ahhhhh, so Saleena might not be a fairy in THIS chapter in particular, but in my heart of head canons, she IS. Lol.
Another great chapter, Deana!!! :D
Hello again Deana! :)
Alrighty so in this chapter we get some good background info on Saleena Blackwell. Initially, I thought she was going to be a veela, which is what your description made me infer, but it's a nice deflection tactic and brings interest by faking us readers out! :P Her mother's clearly got some issues, both personally and familial and I hope we get to see more of that and also perhaps more of what being a Gypsy entails. Also, she has a Gift?? I'm very curious to see what this actually means in the context of her job, as Saleena mentions having used it before a couple of times, the major one being on Draco as an infant. What did she do???? The only criticism I have for this chapter is that when Saleena goes to the Weasley's house, she seems very flippant about the situation and why the card was activated in the first place. Her professionalism isn't quite there, for me at least, so that kind of took me out of the story. Otherwise, I enjoyed the conversation she had with Molly and Arthur, and I look forward to seeing how this all plays out! Great second chapter! :)
(Magical Menagerie 3: Team Wolpertinger)
Hey Deana!! :)
You popped this into my thread so I'm just gonna double dip for the menagerie as well :P So I know this has been on my list for a while, and I'm sorry I'm just now getting to it. This is an interesting story because it's a Draco/OC set in a slightly AU world where he's had this curse of being a Death Eater since he was born, etc. but it's also somewhat still within canon-era Wizarding War, which is very tough to do. It's already QUITE dark and honestly, I am actually SO here for it. Voldemort branding an infant though, just, wow. You really went there right away! What I'm actually rather surprised about is Arthur's willingness to believe the letter from Lucius Malfoy so quickly and with minimal doubt, whereas Molly is absolutely not having it. Their argument reads very well though and it also helps the reader logic through why the Weasleys should take him in. One thing I'm VERY curious about is what kind of poison Voldemort gave Draco -- clearly Severus knew enough about it to slow its spreading but didn't have enough knowledge or resources to stop the process completely. And who is this OC Saleena you've now introduced as a Healer? Very very intriguing so far, and great start to your novel!
(Magical Menagerie 3: Team Wolpertinger)
O/ Hello! Magical Menagerie whatnots and things!
And battling dragons is something she does in her free time, I see. She seriously cracks me up, taking on Lucius Malfoy the way she does. Understandably, she doesn't have the whole story, but even if she did, Lucius probably needed to be put in his place, anyway. And what she does know doesn't leave a very good impression of how Lucius has treated Draco, to be honest. I think it's adorable that she's so hostile stepping up against him in Draco's defense, even if he doesn't need defending at the moment. In fact, I'm fairly certain it's Roxi who needs all the defense she can get in this exact moment, ha! At least he's going to help her out of that mess she got herself into -- being Voldemort's prisoner is not something that should be on anyone's to-do list.
With all that aside, though, the talk between them was an excellent way to reveal all of Lucius's motives and how he's dealing with everything that has happened with Draco. What's more is that I love how Roxi continues to be an amazing person and argue with Lucius over her escape, not wanting to get him killed because Voldemort would know it was him who let her go (and also not wanting to punch him and take his wand). Plus, Lucius having the spare wand so that Voldemort will believe him, he won't actually be left defenseless, and Roxi would have something to take back with her as proof for Draco that she met with Lucius was pretty genius.
Lucius is right, too -- Roxi's fear of heights when she's just faced him head on briefly beforehand is hilarious. There's just so much going on with Lucius and Draco's story! When Draco and Lucius finally reconnect they are going to have so much to work through, and ultimately I'm curious to see if Draco will be able to eventually forgive him after everything, despite having good intentions and trying to protect him. That's some deep stuff to have to process. At the very least, Roxi is free now, which is a huge relief!
So, so good! I love how spunky Roxi is! Ahaha!
i was very surprised with the start of this chapter - i wouldn't have expected anyone not to celebrate draco malfoy's birth but as i continued reading, i can definitely imagine narcissa being full of rage at lord voldemort. seriously, how much of an evil dark lord can you be to force a mother to give birth at home with only lord voldemort and a house elf for company? i could imagine her wanting to scream at voldemort but trying her best to keep quiet so she wouldn't make him even angrier. being held hostage just because you're pregnant and about to have a baby is really messed up.
i'm almost close to pitying poor lord voldemort at all these children making it difficult for him to take over the world (draco, harry).
okay, back to the serious stuff - i really feel bad for lucius and narcissa, i can't even imagine how they must be feeling with voldemort deciding that draco should die. i can understand why they accepted voldemort's terms for the unbreakable vow. but voldemort just had to go and put a dark mark on a baby! he's truly a madman.
i think the whole concept for this story is totally original and very interesting - draco having absolutely no choice in the matter, his parents being forced to force the dark arts on him. i think that the consequences of this night will be huge.