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Reviews For The Shadows Within

Name: RoxiMalfoy (Signed) · Date: 26 Jun 2017 06:51 AM · Chapter: Prologue

*CTF Review transferred over from HPFF:

 

Hello, RoxiMalfoy from the forums, here for CTF!! I'll be honest, I've been so out of it this entire competition. RL has just been crazy busy for me, like all year. So this is actually my first review for CTF. And I wasn't really quite sure where to begin, so I was just scrolling though the Review Request threads, looking for Ravenclaw stories to R&R. This one in particular grabbed my attention because it was a Marauders fic, and I am SO GLAD now that I clicked it!!!

WOW!! I mean, this is already off to an incredibly good start! I was holding my breath from the first paragraph. You really know how to build up the suspense!! Your characterization of Lord Voldemort is SO good. He is one of the most difficult characters for me to write, so I always really appreciate it when somebody does him justice like you have done here. I especially loved your attention to detail as you described the way that he entered the room. And then when he started talking, I was just as impressed. You've captured his speech really well too. Please teach me how you do this, haha!! ;)

And the very last paragraph was really well done also!! Just the thought that Voldemort views these younger witches and wizards as dispensable is so very much in character for him. It gave me chills - in a good way, mind you. It was just so creepy, and so… Voldemort. I absolutely loved it!! And now I really can't wait to see what you do with the other characters as well (Like, say, Sirius and James for example…) Honestly, this was SUCH a great prologue!! It definitely left me wanting to read more, which is exactly what a story intro should do, so props for accomplishing that!! =D

I can already tell that you have a really great writing style, and I already love the way that you handle your characters. I've been away from HPFF/HPFT for a while now, and this was such a nice read to come back to. It was a frightening chapter, mind you, but it was SO GOOD!! Which is just great, to be able to leave and come back after like a year or so of being MIA, and find something new and incredible like this to read. We just have so many talented people in our community, and I just love it. I'm sorry, I'm rambling now. I'll stop, lol!! IDK when I'll make it back, but I will definitely be reading more of this ASAP!!

~ Deana

 

NOTE: I'm so happy to have found this on HPFT!! I really do still plan on readin more of it when I have a chance. It was really good, and I liked it a lot!! I cannot wait to read more and find out what haooens next!! Adding to my favorites here on my HPFT profile so I can make my way back here as soon as RL will allow me ot do so!!!



Name: sunshinedaisieswindmills (Signed) · Date: 17 Jun 2017 01:20 PM · Chapter: Chapter 12 - A Sluggish Halloween Party

transferred from hpff 6/17/17

House Cup 2015 Hufflepuff

EXCELLENT! I am so impressed by the story you're spinning here. You're doing a really wonderful job of incorporating the war where it might otherwise be left out entirely. And the way you're doing it is so realistic! Of course there are students who want to join Voldemort already, I think that tends to happen in wartime. Having Voldemort use that to his advantage is so appropriate. The army recruits high schoolers because adolescents are much easier to indoctrinate. Surely Voldemort would know this as well. Of course he'd want to recruit students. 

And of course having students under his command gives him a presence in Hogwarts. He's got a foothold, and that gives him the power to act at Hogwarts indirectly. I'm so excited to see where that goes! I know you know my FAVORITE part of these stories is the war aspect and you're doing such a wonderful job with it! I'm so excited for more. 

Not only have you included the war, but you've also struck a really great balance between war and everyday teenage life. Lily has to deal with the news about Muggles being killed and Death Eaters infiltrating Hogwarts, but she can also sit with her friends and have her hair braided. The war is present, but not all consuming. It's a hard balance to obtain, definitely and it makes this story so unique and enjoyable! 

I hope you're having a great time with the House Cup, and that you write more soon!:)



Name: Felpata_Lupin (Signed) · Date: 11 Mar 2017 09:45 PM · Chapter: Chapter 2 - The First Week

Hi, Rhaenyra!

I'm here with your requested review (sorry for the wait...)

This was a cute chapter, I enjoyed seeing Lily's first days of school. I still need to get accustomed to all your OCs, but I guess I will a bit at a time (also, my fault for taking so long to get back here... I'll try to come back here more often...)

I really enjoyed reading about Lily's relationship with Remus (you know I love Remus...) and how they got closer with Prefects' duties. I can totally see why Remus would be picked for that role, and obviously nobody else could hope to take James and Sirius in line, at least a tiny bit. :P

I'm still a bit sad for Severus... but I can't honestly blame Lily for wanting to stay away from him. And I loved how James shocked her with that Please. I can see how that would make so much difference. I can't wait for more interactions between them.

McGonagall... McGonagall was great! I adore her and I think you captured her wonderfully! I chuckled at her start of term speech, especially the not standing for prank planning part. I agree with Lily, that bit was added for the Marauders' exclusive benefit. :D

Poor Lily, having to withstand a Quidditch discussion and simultaneously the company of James Potter... Aurora is really cruel to put her through that... :P

If I have to be super nitpicky and leave you a sort of CC, I found a couple of passages to be slightly non cohesive, for example when you explain Aurora's attitude towards the Marauders at the end of the first part of the chapter. It made sense to put that bit there, since you just finished talking about Lily and Remus' friendship, but it still felt a tiny bit disconnected from the rest. (As I said, I'm being extremely a perfectionist, and maybe it's just my feeling anyway, so feel free to ignore me).

Otherwise, everything else was perfect. Lovely chapter, my dear!

See you soon,

Chiara



Author's Response:

Thank you so much.  I cannot comment on the wait, since I have been slacking on my review responses.  It means so much to hear that you are enjoying this since you have so many well-written (and well-awarded!) Marauder stories.  Thank you again my dear. <3



Name: Felpata_Lupin (Signed) · Date: 24 Dec 2016 01:11 PM · Chapter: Chapter 1 - Hogwarts Again

Hi! Here I am again!

Oh, wow! I loved this chapter! A lot! The relationship among Lily, James and Severus was so well done, and I particurarly loved the final confrontation between James and Lily. You can tell how deeply he cares for her even if she doesn't really see it.

I loved the focus you put on Muggle discrimination and the different ways it affected people inside and outside of Hogwarts, that was so well done too. And I loved the idea of Sirius wanting to be an activist for Muggles and Muggleborns rights. So perfect for his character!

I also loved the more lighthearted parts of the chapter. I could sympathize with the annoyment of getting up early for classes, mornings can be traumatizing (they are for me...) And I think you did a great job introducing your OCs and I can't wait to learn more about them. I also like the idea of inter-houses friendships (and I always love to read Hufflepuff characters)

So, to cut it short, this was a great chapter! I'll be back for more soon (hopefully...)

Much love, snowball hug and happy holidays!

Chiara



Author's Response:

Hello again!  This review put a smile on my face.  Like you, I love the idea of people people friends with people from other houses and I think they would really benefit from a kick in the pants to go outside their comfort zone or to struggle through something they find tough or some other trait that a friend with a different personality & outlook could provide.  And yes, Sirius's desire to do something to help even if he was not entirely sure what that would entail made his desire to be an activist fit.  (Also, I wanted to avoid the trope of EVERYONE wanting to be an Auror.)  *returns snowball hug* Thanks again!!



Name: Felpata_Lupin (Signed) · Date: 24 Dec 2016 12:03 PM · Chapter: Prologue

Hello, Rhaenyra, my dear!

I decided to stop by here as a little thank you for your lovely presents and to wish you a wonderful holiday time! :)

Okay, so... this is a very intriguing start to your story... I think you did a great job getting into Voldemort's head, which is really difficult to do in my opinion. I found very interesting your explaination of why he used so many young people, it's cruel (which is fitting) but makes perfect sense. Thinking about how young most of the people who fought in the first war were, on both sides, always made me sad and I really liked that you focused on it.

I think you also did a really great job setting the mood of the chapter. I loved the tension of the wait in the beginning, Voldemort's control and deliberateness, the reverential fear of the young Death Eaters. Your lovely description only helped accentuate it all. Really, great writing.

Guess I'll move to the next chapter now. For now, great job and Merry Christmas! :D

Chiara



Author's Response:

Hi Chiara!  You're known for doing such a great job with Marauder characterization that it means so much to get this sort of review from you.  I hope the rest doesn't disappoint.  Thank you for taking the time and Merry Christmas (belatedly) to you too!



Name: dreamgazer220 (Signed) · Date: 21 Dec 2016 04:37 AM · Chapter: Prologue

Hi there! Stopping by for review tag =) 

So I've been quite curious about this story for a while and this prologue did not disappoint. I can imagine how challenging it is to write scenes from Death Eaters/Voldemort's POV and you did a really great job here.  You gave us enough information without overwhelming us - I want to know what's going to happen next! 

I can totally see Voldemort using the younger Death Eaters as pawns and essentially sacrificing them, especially those who are eager to prove themselves to him. 

This was a great, face-paced introduction to the story and I'm also glad that you included both men and women to the meeting.  

The last paragraph is very ominus and very Tom Riddle. I will be back at some point to read more! Great start :D 



Author's Response:

Oh, thank you!  Thankfully for me I spend most of the story from Lily or James's POV, but young Avery gets some more screen time later.  I'm glad the prologue piqued your interest. :) I try to make sure the war doesn't fall to the wayside throughout the novel so I figured it was best to set up antagonistic forces early.  Thanks again and I hope you continue with the story. - R



Name: Stella Blue (Signed) · Date: 14 Dec 2016 04:35 AM · Chapter: Chapter 3 - Sirius's Summer

I like that Lily has good friends in other houses - it seems really appropriate for her, given that her best friend for so many years was a Slytherin, and she doesn't have the intense loyalty to Gryffindor that someone whose entire family has been Gryffindors might have. Friendship is more important than labels to her. And I always love it when friendships are stronger than house boundaries. :)

 

Poor Sirius :( I really love the characterisation of all three of them here - Lily, James, and Sirius.

 

Something that always hits me so hard about first war stories is how they can go from LOL to tears in like 2 seconds. In this case, Naomi's silly story about her brother taking a Quaffle in the face at tryouts, which is all silly and fluff, and then to Lily's ponderings about what it's like to be a first year Muggleborn in the wizarding world at that time, when so much is going on around you and other people like you are in danger, but you're too young and naive to know. It's very sobering.

 

This story is so good!



Author's Response:

I'm glad you like the cross-house friendship bit.  You don't see it often, but I totally agree that Lily doesn't seem as bonded by house loyalties.  There's also an inter-house pre-existing friendship (Pippa & Liv grew up in the same neighbourhood).  And like the in the second war, sticking together is important.

 

Your reviews made my day.  Thanks so much and sorry for taking so long to reply!



Name: Stella Blue (Signed) · Date: 14 Dec 2016 03:49 AM · Chapter: Chapter 2 - The First Week

Random aside but the chapter image is gorgeous.

Aw, poor Kettleburn. I bet he has all kinds of really great stories though, about the various things that ate/removed his various limbs. He sounds like someone who's lived a really interesting life and I would definitely invite him to a party.

 

Kettleburn gets PERMITS from the Ministry! And is prepared with an antidote! Hagrid should take notes.

 

Professor Kettleburn was not somebody who had a normal view of what was dangerous and what was not. -- Good thing she never heard about Harry's classes with Hagrid.

 

The fact that James offers to trade places so they can 'deal with the slimeball' is really not helping. I mean, sure, she and Snape aren't friends anymore ... but somehow that makes James think that now she would condone him and his friends being mean to Snape? *eyeroll* James has come a long way, but still has a bit of maturing to do.

 

She spent a disproportionate amount of time looking at the back left corner of the room.  -- Hahaha, yeah, I bet she would.

 

Another random aside, but part of me wonders if there's some sort of wizarding RSPCA that protests against how they're always using animal test subjects at Hogwarts. What happens to a frog if you vanish half of it? I know this is really unrelated to the story but that scene just made me wonder, haha.

 

Lily is thinking of voluntarily spending time in the presence of the boys so she can be with Aurora. My, how things are changing! :P This is a really good chapter. And I love your characterisation, especially of Lily and James, so far.

 

 



Author's Response:

Yes, who would have thought about permits!? I tried to strike the balance between dangerous (retiring to spend time with his remaining limbs!?) and responsible teacher.  Wizards for animal rights would be an interesting lobbying group indeed, maybe they should contact Hermione? ;) Thanks so much!!



Name: Stella Blue (Signed) · Date: 14 Dec 2016 03:20 AM · Chapter: Chapter 1 - Hogwarts Again

IT'S A JILY STORY. True love set against the sombre backdrop of war. Be still my heart! I haven't read one of these in a while and if you couldn't already tell, I love them.

 

The fact that Sirius wants to be an activist or the wizard equivalent of a lawyer working for Muggle and Muggle-born rights is SO perfect and I could absolutely see him doing something like that. It's honestly so perfect even just the way he said it, too, because clearly he doesn't actually know if that career exists or what it's called, he just has a general idea because he hasn't planned it out yet. And he is the sort who absolutely stands up for what he believes in no matter the cost. AND, bonus, it would really upset his family. :P so yeah this fits with his personality so well and it was a great choice.

 

I also love that Lily and Severus sort of competed in Potions - which once again seems like such an obvious thing I can't believe I didn't think of it before, but it's so perfect given what we know about their personalities. And it's especially heartbreaking because every time one of them answers before the other (which they'll keep doing, because they're both proud of being good students and all), it's like a little salt in the wound for the other, and sort of just makes it so that they can't forget what they used to have even though it's gone now. Ah, this is so good - just one sentence of the story and it speaks volumes.

 

Slughorn literally has not changed his lesson plans in 20 years.

 

I can totally understand Lily's frustration here about how the two boys getting territorial and talking about her while she is in earshot. Ugh. Can't blame her. And even more than that I love that you make her anger understandable. She's not like "OMG James is so annoying and I hate him because ANGST!" She has a real reason. And then, despite that, James really does care about her, as evidenced by what he said to her at the end. But she's just not in the mood for it after the thing at the end of class. Basically what I'm saying is their love/hate is very nuanced here and isn't just love and hate. Bravo.

 

Great chapter!



Author's Response:

Ah thank you. <3 Sirius's professional goals are probably my favourite, because like you said he doesn't know exactly how to make a difference but he still wants to.  All your comments on the way I've written canon characters are very much appreciated. :) I figured Slughorn probably stuck to an old plan when he taught Harry and it was one less thing to consider here.  Plus, amortentia and the like have so much potential for later on.



Name: Stella Blue (Signed) · Date: 14 Dec 2016 02:56 AM · Chapter: Prologue

HAPPY WINTER SOLSTICE, MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HANUKKAH, KWANZAA, ETC YOU LOVELY PERSON. I'm here to shower you with reviews and love because you're the nicest person on the planet and thank you so much for those reviews you left me the other day. Okay so since this was the story you mentioned in your wishlist I just clicked on it without reading the summary so I don't actually know what I'm even getting into but I'm really excited for it.

 

Oh man was Voldemort drunk dialing people again? Randomly calling people at 11pm to make them go to a meeting? Party foul.

 

The way Death Eater membership runs in families and they all sign up young and have these ceremonies and things make them seem like a cult. I mean, they kind of are. Also thank you for mentioning that there were "men and women" there... the books kind of give the impression that Bellatrix is the only woman in what is essentially a boys club, and as much as I dislike the Death Eaters it's at least nice to see that it's a little more equal, and not just dudes. Because women can be great villains too! Preach.

 

Ooh those last two paragraphs are quite foreboding. He's essentially sacrificing the younger recruits as pawns. But he's right in terms of how they'll react - in general, it's the younger ones that are going to be more headstrong and not as concerned with their own safety. But... a lot of them are the children of older members of the Death Eaters, so it's a really interesting dynamic there - how are the parents going to react to Voldemort trying to send all the youngins off to danger?

 

This is a really interesting chapter and I appreciate the look into the Death Eater organisation. It's a powerful way to start out and really sets the tone for what I have gathered is going to be a somewhat darker first war story? Sounds good. Onward! See you on the next chapter...



Author's Response:

I think calling the Death Eaters a sort of cult is spot on.  And YES, I totally don't want Bellatrix to be the only female DE.  The most prominent, sure, but she can't be the only woman actively involved.  (BTW I love that you dove in without reading the summary. :) )



Name: PaulaTheProkaryote (Signed) · Date: 13 Dec 2016 11:45 PM · Chapter: Chapter 1 - Hogwarts Again

Hello lovely!

I apologize for being so late! As you might see from my tweets, I've been having to deal with some issues with my thesis (namely an advisor who is avoiding me). I think it's temporarily resolved so I'm back to living in my online world! Oh, and thank you so much for the reviews on my baby Rumor Has It! I think you're quickly becoming my favorite person!

Okay so the prologue was good, but the meat of the story is even better!

I like the way you've written Lily. Her characterization, while staying true to the Lily we know and love, is unique enough that I had to pause and admire this version of her. A lot of times she's portrayed as this eager-beaver Hermione on steroids kind of character, but you've strayed from that and it gives her a lot of dimension. This whole not liking September second is wholly unique to your story from all that I've read. I know it's minor, but it's significant to me.

I particularly like the relationship between Aurora, Lily, and Claire. (and I love Aurora the most of the two other girls).

I also love that you took the time to give Peter a voice. I eyeroll so hard at any story that just automatically writes him away.

MASSIVE KUDOS on McGonagall. Holy Guacamole did you capture her voice.

Oh I so love the idea of Sirius wanting to be a Muggle/Muggleborn rights activist. I like it even better than the auror trope. And I've definitely never read it before! While on the subject, wow, I love your Sirius too. This entire review is just going to be me harping on and on about characterization.

WHAT WILL SNAPE USE THE LIQUID LUCK FOR OMG THE LITTLE SNEAKY SNAKE.

Oh James. I love James. What a sweet ending to the chapter.



Author's Response:

No problem, real life (sadly) gets in the way sometimes.  I'm glad you liked the characterizations in this!  There is so much to introduce and I have clear ideas for canon characters, but you're right that they're a bit different from what you see all the time. I figure there has to be sort of lobbyists/lawyers and some other magical equivalents, so some characters have those sorts of jobs planned vs all being Ministry workers and the like. And I'm glad you like her friends!  I have a soft spot for Aurora to since she's been around for a long time.  I'm pretty sure it's the next chapter with more McGonagall, if you're interested. ;)



Name: PaulaTheProkaryote (Signed) · Date: 11 Dec 2016 02:24 AM · Chapter: Prologue

Reposting this review (I couldn't remember my password and had to dig around)

Hello lovely!

I knew I was going to love this story from the summary. The prologue definitely did not disappoint!

This prologue brought a lot of random tangents up in my mind which really aren't of any actual importance but I'm kind of amazed I've never asked these questions before. The one that's bothering me most now is where in the world did Voldemort live? Like all of his meetings were in other people's homes (like in your own story), but was he couch surfing? Did he have a place? Did you keep it secret for security? How could he afford his own place? (okay, I'm done now).

As for your particular story, I really did love the prologue. For starters, I do believe that it would be exactly what Voldemort would do. It's easy to duel to your own level of talent, but what would be a challenge is to change the way people in general perceive your cause and most importantly to get them to take your side. Kids are definitely easiest to manipulate and if their peers say it's the right thing to do it'd be easier to fully embrace...the dark side.

I really like your characterizations in this snippet too. The Dark Lord himself seems just the right amount of formal without being too overbearing to read.

I'm worried about Avery (which is silly because we know what he ends up like) and I'm wondering if Regulus is there. I can't remember his age in relation to Avery, but I'm sure his parents wouldn't be terribly put off by the whole thing.

I do love Jily above all else and sixth year gives them the perfect room to grow without pesky exams in the way. I seriously can't wait for the next chapter and I'm glad you pointed me in this direction!



Author's Response:

Hello! The fist point is actually one I never thought of... what would Voldemort's day-to-day life and the minutia be? That could either be very dark or very funny.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. =) It's true about some of these characters: you know what choices they make but you want things to turn out better.

Thanks again!



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