Review transferred from HPFF 2/26/16:
Let's be real, I loved this before I started reading this. I loved that it was about Hepzibah, I loved your summary, the promise of the LGBTQA genre, and of course the breathtaking banner.
What really caught me about the opening (beyond your commendable choices for second person and present tense) was how matter of fact the tone is. It is very straightforward and factual in a way that really serves Hepzibah's detached attitude.
I like your phrase "pressed into perfection." By using "into" instead of "to" you make the phrase apply to Abraxas as well as to his robes in a way that I think works quite well, as it speaks to the fact that this is not his natural form.
I think that you do a good job of characterizing Hepzibah. She is clearly a very proud and principled woman, but that does not make her immune to anxiety, which you wrote well.
I really like that Abraxes is so cruel to her about her family's standing, but he has nothing on her much yummier secrets.
I found the word "feel" three times in a single line, do I get a prize? "Slipping through the crowd, you feel as if you are suffocating. The absence that you feel when Seraphina is no longer there makes you feel"
I think it is a really powerful choice that you had Octavious attack with his fist instead of his wand.
I like that Hepzibah recognizes she has passed the point of no return and her instinct is to take Seraphina and go. And then - NO!!!
Loving this awesome brave women. Not so much loving Seraphina's ending. =(
Thank you so much for this awesome story. I had never thought of a queer Hepzibah and I love it.
I'm so glad you love this story. :)
Hepzibah was such a fun character to write. I had a great time exploring who she might've been and the era she might've grown up in.
You definitely get a prize for that. <3
Thank you so much for reading & reviewing.