Would you look at that I’m ignoring my school work once again!
First: how is Kitty’s nickname Kitty when her name is Priscilla? It seems like the perfect time to explain it but it’s not?
And I’m catching a lot of repetition of names, like “gave Kitty a deadpan look. Kitty grinned” when it could just as well be “[...] deadpan look. She grinned.” because there’s not much confusion on who is doing the grinning, if that makes sense? When you’re looking at two characters then it would make more sense to specify.
And !!! you’re inverting a heck of a lot less, which is great work!
Now that’s done, let me gush! I loooooved the “smoke sucked the moisture out of my lungs” SO MUCH, it’s such a vibrant image oh my gosh. Absolutely beautiful sentence, 15/10. The identity theft part got a chuckle haha, I thought it was really funny.
And, as always, question time!
Are Annabelle and Nora going to be important? They have to be! Is something going to happen to them at the end of the journey? O: and Is Professor Harper leaving linked to the bombings? Is her replacement going to be linked to them? Ahlsdhadj so many questionssss! Loved it!
Agh, you're right. I didn't explain Kitty's name. And that was the moment to do it. And I'll keep in mind the repetative names. But yay for less inverting!
Annabelle and Nora, hmm. Yes and no? They're involved in a sub-plot surrounding Cole that hopefully will turn up in this story, and if not, in an off-shoot. So I tend to realize things, like this, I could have done better in retrospect. In that scene, Annabelle's and Nora's presense was to spark the conversation about Professor Harper. Kitty doesn't take DADA, so. And I would have had to break away from Charlotte's character for her to bring up on her own the topic of Harper leaving. And Professor Harper leaving is significant in the way that her replacement will be significant :)
Thanks for the review!!
Alright so I’m back once again (Can you believe) and I hope you’re ready for some nonsensical thoughts and just me sticking my opinion back in here.
Overall: loved it!
The only part I was a little “ehhhhh” about was the whole Kitty/Brian thing but the rest was absolutely beaut. It’s hard to feel bad for Kitty when we don’t really see the extent of their relationship and it’s only mentioned in passing that she really likes him.
But ahaofjlafjlh Jack… I can totally understand why she doesn’t like him. Having a friend turn their back like that is super difficult to deal with, and especially since she’s being bullied by her dormmates. For me, it just sort of amplifies why she acts the way she does. And the whole scene with James? For some reason “bespectacled” sat SO well with me, like I just got the strongest image of him in my head. I rarely see James as having glasses like his dad and it’s just a) cute and b) always brings up such an image. I just… MMM love.
Speaking of things I loved. THE WHOLE DEFENCE PART. like, charlotte ripping down jack’s spells and doing something even better, like YAAAAAS queen, do it! FINISH HIM! The initiative she takes just gives such a exquisite show of her character. AND THE WAND! THE WAND AGAIN! Ahhhhhhhhh I feel like Sherlock Holmes with a lil magnifying glass. The cluuuuues!
As for the subject-verb inverting, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it, but I find it just sort of draws me out of the story and cuts up the flow. Another little thing I caught was “died prematurely” - using premature and death has connotations of death in babies, not adults. Another way you could’ve worded it would have been something like “lost his life in a car accident” or “tragically died in a car accident”.
OR WAS IT ACTUALLY A CAR ACCIDENT?! I’ve got my detective boots on!
Thank you so much for your review! I’m glad you liked the Defense part! I loved writing Charlotte taking down Jack’s spells and redoing her own that are better!
For the inverting, I’m trying to not do it so much as I write future chapters. Thanks for pointing it out, really.
Back for my second requested review and for Team Gold's RvG! (I know I said that I wouldn't get to it until later... but my schedule opened up a little bit!)
This chapter seems to have a few inciting incidents here. I'm curious to know more about why Charlotte's friendship with Jack Morgan dissolved in the past. Perhaps Charlotte isn't so great at reading people, and Jack's been who he is all along and she's learned the hard way. This is what I'm sensing from here, especially with her reserved nature and her oblivion to Ralph's feelings.
And James knocking her over (or her bumping into him). I think you show off her character very well here. She doesn't like the limelight all the much, and James does the respectable thing by making sure she's okay. They don't really have much of a personal relationship of any kind at this point, and their interaction captures that well.
And I see Charlotte's Gryffindor loyalty when she leaves Ralph to find Kitty. While it might have spoiled Ralph's afternoon, I think it's awesome that at the end of the day, no matter the tension between her and Jack, her and James, or her and Ralph, she's a true friend to Kitty. I'd like to see more of their interaction together. This is such a strong female friendship, and I can't wait to see it further develop!
I also like Charlotte's affinity for spellwork and Professor Harper's recommendation for the Accidental Spell Reversal Squad, which I think is a largely unexplored aspect of the Ministry in fan fics.
With all of these many story strands, I wonder how this all connects to that wedding mentioned in the beginning of the story and whatever happens there!
Thanks for reading and reviewing! I appreciate it!
Here for your first requested review! :) And also Team Gold for RvG while we're at it.
Lots of things happen in this chapter! You wanted some feedback on characterization, so here it goes: I really like the tension between Kitty and Ralph, though I wonder if there's something more going on than denying a crush. Is there something that Kitty hasn't shared with Charlotte about Ralph? Or does Kitty have an insecurity about the possibility of Ralph liking Charlotte (or does she see an insecurity in Ralph and is doing her best to expose it)? This complex relationship is intriguing, and I'm curious to see how Charlotte continues this balancing act (because I wouldn't have much patience if two of my best friends were at odds with each other, lol).
The squealing hog scene: I really hope those hogs were magicked into existence and not actual animals! Those poor creatures, being kicked around like that by the boys. I like how Charlotte stands up to them; it really shows us why she's in Gryffindor. This is a fantastic example of her characterization!
As for your subplots, I am gleaning of a few. First, it's the relationship between Ralph and Charlotte (I think he likes her... a lot) with Kitty's snarky attitude thrown in (does she like him, I wonder?). Second, there's something going on with James and/or Fred with Charlotte. Hmmmm. Third, that bombing. I have a feeling there's a bigger context than what Charlotte's seeing. Fourth, Charlotte's wand shocking her like that. This is one of the most intriguing things that happens in this chapter! Fifth, partnering with Jack Morgan--what's going on there? Some are more subtle than others, and maybe I've even missed a few (which is good news because sometimes writers don't want to have blatant plot points until later on...at least in my experience!).
Overall, you're balancing a lot of characters and plot points, which holds promise to a long winding story! One thing I notice is that you have disclaimers about breaking up chapters in your chapter summaries. You might want to save those for any author's notes. That way, your narrative flows more. As readers, we don't know that chapter 1 and 2 were originally supposed to be one chapter, though that informaiton might be nice to know in an author's note and not at the start. As the writer, you're in control of this story. You can split as many things up or change things around as much as you want beacuse it is YOUR story. I say this in the hopes of empowering and encouraging you as a writer (because isn't that part of the reason we're at hpft?)! There's so much potential in this story and in you as a writer, and I look forward to the development of both! :)
So Ralph ... ugh. Yes, there is more going on. Kitty sees something in Ralph that she doesn't like, but Charlotte doesn't see it at all.
As for the subplots, yes I'm glad you noticed those! And yes, there are more :) but they're more subtle, so yeah.
I went and changed the chapter summary. You were right; it was awkward and out of place. I need to work on chapter summaries. I struggle to know what to say in those.
Anyway. Thank you so much for the review! I feel very encouraged!
Alright, hopping back in for another requested review!
The first thing is you’re inverting a lot of the subjects and verbs in sentences. That’s probably the only thing really drawing me out of the story and that’s because I’m finickity about word order.
Now that’s handled, I have so many questions. I’m obviously gonna have to read more to get answers, obviously, but some apparent thoughts:
I’m slightly confused on the main ship. I’m not really sure what’s going on relationship wise, besides a lack of Ralph/Charlotte now, although I was never attached to that in the first place. Is it going to be her + James?
Her patronus is a fox? I would’ve totally expected that out of Delta or one of the other ABCD’s, but Charlotte? What does it meaaaaan? And her wand shocking her? Is this linked to the ‘terror’ attack?
And now I’m super interested in Charlotte’s history with Jack. Who is he? What’s he done? Why is he the only person she doesn’t want to work with?
All in all, I enjoyed it, will be reading more to get answers.
Is inverted verbs bad? Like is it bad grammar or just different? I didn't realize I was doing it... I don't know if this is related to it, but at the beginning of the story I really struggled writing in first person past tense. I don't know why!! But I kept on slipping into first person present tense. Maybe it was a way to make sure I wrote in past tense???
Okay, main ship. Hmm. I won't say who :) but I will say that Ralph is definitely hardcore crushing on Charlotte, and she has no idea, haha. The main ship won't really reveal itself until later in the story. The romance is actually a sub-plot of the story (or at least I'm really really really trying to keep it as a sub-plot). Granted, a very large and important subplot, or maybe a parallel plot. But the general plot of what Charlotte goes through and experiences is the main plot.
As for the fox... agh. See, I love foxes. Not for the sneakiness element, but because they're quiet and observers. They're nimble and swift. Curious and have something mysterious about them. And that's kinda who Charlotte is. At least for right now :)
Ah yes! The wand shocking her is important! That will be further explained in chapter 9, I think. Or maybe 8 or 10, depending.
Jack is... well, it's explained more in chapter 3!
Thanks for reviewing!!
I’m just gonna yeet myself on in here and get into what I thought!
I liked the beginning. It adds an intrinsic layer of mystery and it’s a perfect hook: it raises so many questions that I can’t help but hope will be answered throughout the story! On a personal level, I’m not a fan of girls hating other girls, but the ABCD’s serve as (what I’m suspecting is a subsidiary) antagonist and it works. The use of words like “gobbled” is incredibly clever and I can’t help but wonder when they’ll be compared to a pack of vulture, because it seems like a totally fair comparison.
As for what sticks out, I’m quite interested in Charlotte’s talents in spellmaking. It seems like a useful skill to have, and it gives her more tricks up her sleeve when dealing with the complexities of Hogwarts and the ABCD’s. Perhaps dealing with her mother is also going to equip her for the girls?
It’s not so much foreshadowing (I don’t think), but Charlotte’s interest in the Muggle world and keeping herself involved somehow - even if it is just by reading the daily news - jumps out as a key factor in the progression of her story. It then raises more questions, like how is a bombing in Muggle London going to have an impact on Charlotte’s life in Hogwarts and that leads to “Maybe it’s not actually a Muggle thing” and then how is that going to have a knock on effect to the wizarding community in Britain.
All in all, I thought it was very interesting. There’s a couple of hiccups (only in my opinion) about word order (“spat Delta from above.” - “Delta spat from above”) but it’s a strong first chapter, for sure.
Thanks for the review! I'm glad you felt all the impressions that you did -- they are what I was going for! And thanks for noticing that hiccup.
Hey! I'm here for RvG - Team Gold.
Your opening section is incredibly powerful. I already have so many questions. What happened at this wedding? Why did Charlotte storm off and who did she encounter afterwards? Why is she considered a hero--but she doesn't consider herself one? Her tone is a little ominous here, and I love it!
And her going back to the beginning of her story... well done! It's interesting that it's not at the beginning of the school year, and you start with an inciting incident straight away: the chest. I like the interaction between Cole and Charlotte, as well as her and Dom. And I'm glad that one of my questions is answered when Charlotte has a chance to open her chest! I admire that she wants to hold onto her Muggle heritage and this wedding... I already know something major happens, and I have so many questions, and her mother's passive aggressiveness towards Ralph (why doesn't she like him?) and in her RSVP... this makes for an intriguing family dynamic!
The ABCDs are... ugh. You do a good job at making them antagonists for Charlotte. I like her methodical approach to things, which at the same time alienates her from the rest of these girls, I think. And Kitty seems to be such a supportive friend. I look forward to getting to know her more!
And that article. Chilling. This act of violence is, unfortunately, believeable in this day and age in the Muggle world. But I wonder... is this attack linked to the magical world at all?
Again, great job at this first chapter. You've done your set up beautifully--and in such an engaging way. I want to read more (and if you'd like, feel free to request a review in my thread if there's an opening!). Well done!
I forgot to respond to your first review! Jeepers.
Okay, so I'm glad you like the beginning and think it's powerful -- that was the goal.
I'm really happy you noticed the methodical way she approached the ABCDs! In the beginning I struggled to pinpoint how their relationship would manifest.
Thanks for the review!
Quodpot Review Match 3
Hello! Here with a review for House Cup Quodpot but really glad I stopped by to read this because I really enjoyed this first chapter!
First, I loved how you started this chapter off. It really drew me in as a reader, giving some interesting pieces about the story, but not giving enough information away! I am really looking forward to reading the rest of the story to figure out what exactly has happened! I'm really intrigued by the line I'm not a hero; I'm a survivor. I have some suspicions this somehow ties in with the London terrorist attacks Charlotte was reading about at the end of the chapter but I can't see how-oh well; it'll be fun to read on!
I thought your introduction to Charlotte and her brother was fun and easy and enjoyed reading it a lot. Her brother sounds like a character and I hope we get to read about some more of his adventures as the story progresses!
I'm glad that Charlotte has Prissy as a dormmate and friend because the rest of her roommates seem horrible! Honestly, who just goes riffling through people's things without asking? But good on Charlotte for standing up for herself! I can already tell she's got some spirit in her!
I think it's really neat that she makes up her own spells. It's a really cool character trait you've given her. I'm curious to see how she uses them and what else she comes up with as the story moves on!
And last, but certainly not least, a terrorist attack in London? It's interesting that no one else seems to notice, but then again, the wizards are pretty oblivious to Muggle news sometimes, so who knows really? Again, my first theory is it's connected to that first part, but honestly I could be so wrong on that.
Great, interesting start! There's so many things to branch off from here and I'm excited to see where Charlotte goes next!
Thank you so much for reviewing!
Your review makes me so happy; I was anxious about about certain things (the first chapter is always so tricky to write!) but you noticed exactly what I wanted the reader to notice. And I'm glad you see Charlotte the way you do. It's how I was intending her character to be. So thank you!