Hello! I'm here with your requested review! It's so exciting to see that this is your first fanfiction! Welcome to the madness ;)
I like how quickly you set up the conflict and the time the story is set in. The first scene is terrifying. I think you captured really well the horror of working for Voldemort, and how scary he really is, and completely without mercy. I don't think characterisation is something you need to be worried about. I think the potion idea is clever and original, and shows the extent of Snape's double agent-ing. It also adds something fresh and intriguing to a story we know by heart.
I'm interested to see where this goes! Good job!
Thank you. The scenes with Voldemort are definitely some of the more challenging for me. I've gone through a lot of rewrites on them. The potion idea actually came from real life. There is a drug called Scopolamine and some of the street uses of the drug are rather scarey.
I hope you enjoy the rest of it.
Hey there!! I’m here for your request in the staff review thread! :)
I just want to start out by saying that I am honestly shocked that this is your first attempt at a fic. If you didn’t mention that in your AN, I would seriously have had no idea. This was really, really good!
Ok so your areas of concern.
Your characterizations were fantastic. I can’t think of an constructive crit to give you here, because everyone was dead on. I know that Dumbledore is notoriously difficult to write, and he didn’t feel off at all. I think you nailed that fine line of him legit seeming as if he does care for Severus’ well being, but also just as invested in him remaining alive for Dumbledore’s use, regarding Sev’s role as a spy. You really have a handle on my boy (Severus, obvi haha), too. His voice sounded authentic, and so far not out of character at all. Voldemort was as chilling as ever. Of course I would believe that he would curse Severus for not having the information sooner than he did. It wouldn’t matter to him if Severus knew or not beforehand. Again, very well done with Voldy as well.
Your details you were also concerned about, and I don’t feel you need to be concerned. There wasn’t an overload of information, but enough to make you feel, and to immediately get you invested in this chapter, and wanting to read on. I was sucked in from the start, and am exercising great self control in not moving on right at this moment. (Only because it’s 4am where I am, and I absolutely need to sleep).
Typically I’m known for being the captain of the Snamione ship, but I’m super interested in your OC. What she’ll be like, how she’ll interact with Severus, how they’re relationship will come about, and what will happen with them. Obviously she’s going to be someone who is quite brilliant, so I know that will spark an interested in him.
I truly enjoyed this opening chapter, and am 100% going to be coming back to continue. I really don’t have much con crit to give. Maybe just the formatting? The paragraphs were mushed together, so I would suggest double spacing between them. But that’s really even just reaching for something, since you asked for some crit. But overall, awesome job so far! Can’t wait to see what happens next!
Thanks for requesting!!
I am glad you are enjoying. The outline of the story mulled over in my brain for two to three months so the actually writing has been fairly easy. I actually haven't found Dumbledore to be that difficult. He'll pop up more later in the story. The more difficult has been Voldy (making him evil enough) and not changing Severus's personality too much when he actually falls for the girl (many chapters from now)
Chapter 2 and the end of chapter 3 (when you will meet the girl) are two of my favorite--two strong women, both whom challenge Severus.)
Hi there! I’m here for the review tag. <3
Even before I began reading this first chapter, I was intrigued because I’ve never read a Snape/OC fic before. And then after reading, I was even more interested, because this is shaping up to be one of those detailed, intricate stories that I love so much.
I’m really glad that you leapt straight into the heart of things, and that at the end of the first chapter, I can already get a sense of what the story is about. (Also, I am so so excited to see how Snape interacts with that young neurochemist, because they both sound wicked smart, and ugh I just love it whenever there’s discussions going on between two ridiculously intelligent human beings.)
The beginning scene was fascinating, because you really showed us Voldemort’s violent tendencies, and his anger management issues, and just, everything about that opening was thrilling and engaging. Snape is a double agent who’s working an incredibly difficult task, and you showed us that really well.
Brilliant beginning! I can’t believe this is your first real attempt at fanfiction. <3
Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it. The woman is definitely a strong character and intelligent too. She's not going to take any grief from Severus--which is exactly the type of woman he needs. Here's a bit from chapter five to give you an idea of their interactions:
"you two obviously have common interests and it sounds like your first encounter with her left you intrigued. I could see a friendship developing between you.” Dumbledore reassured him.
“Intriguing!” Snape roared. “In the first 15 minutes of meeting her, she tried to stab me twice and poison me.” Snape absentmindedly scratched at his neck. He had finally developed an antidote to her annoying antidittany concoction. A faint scar still ran down to his collar.
Dumbledore smile. The twinkle returning to his eye. “Yes, that sounds like an excellent start of a friendship, Severus.”
I've actually already finished the story and am slowly moving over to HPFT archives. I hope you enjoy the rest of it.