So I thought I could come back to check out some more of your work for review tag and I wasn't sure what to pick but I liked the look of this because I had a feeling that it'll be lovely and fluffy!
OMG, the first section is just beautiful. I love the way James is describing Lily's eyes. you get so much emotion into this piece because the way you write them, the description is a master stroke. It is so obvious that James is in love with Lily from just this first paragraph. My favourite part of this section is 'adrenaline of a swooping descent to catch the Snitch.'
I adore James' excitement at being called 'James' not 'Potter'. A little detail but it's very sweet. James is so perfect in this, I want him to be my boyfriend. :P you read the part when he is nervous because she's leaving but it's just perfect because I think it's good to get a bit of humour in there but he is acting like a teenager, you see a lot of smooth talking marauders but I feel this is 'awkward' is more realistic of James.
I think you use the lyrics to really powerful effect like the lyrics from 'your song' are just so, so perfect to sandwich between James's POV. This is honestly one of the best fluffy 'Jily' that I've ever read. your words are stunning, the love you've described between them is unbelievable and unbreakable. this piece is beautiful and emotional. I dare anyone to read this and not ship Jily.
- Abbi xo
Hey, Abbi!!! :D
First of all, sorry for taking so long to answer to this, I've done a pretty bad job with review answering recently... well, I'm here now. :)
I'm happy you picked up this story and that you enjoyed reading it, it is definitely fluffy and sweet (at least I hope so...)
I'm so glad you liked the bit about Lily's eyes, you can tell James really loves her. I have quite some trouble with description, so it's good to know that it worked well here. And yes, typical of James comparing his feeling for Lily to Quidditch. :P
I do love awkward James, he's the cutest! I'm so glad you found his nervousness and insecurity realistic and that you loved him too. :)
And I'm also glad you liked the choice of the lyrics and that you felt they worked well. I do love those songs and I do think they work well for them.
I'm so happy you liked this story and I'm so glad you stopped by and you are the sweetest and I love you!
Howdy, Chiara! I'm stopping by here for our swap and because I can't resist James/Lily stories (as you might've guessed).
This story is really endearing. Even though it conflicts with how I see the duo, it is written so well that's it's one hundred percent (100%) believable. Instead of just the flipping of the switch, you give us the background conflict within each of the characters and explains how they got to that point, which is maybe what a lot of the other stories that take this stance on their coupling are missing. Very well done!
Mechanically, I think the story is very sound. You have a great balance, even in this space, between dialogue and description plus inner plot. I also thought you did a good job with capturing both characters' voices even while using second-person which is a pretty awesome feat.
If there's anything I noticed to go back and look at, there were a few typos and then these phrases:
she just couldn't see you as nothing more than an arrogant bully.
There's annoyment in her voice
In the first I think "nothing" should be "anything" and in the latter, I think you meant "annoyance".
Regardless, these are very minor in the face of a really well-written story (that I'd probably find even more well-writen if I were at all familiar with the musicals that fueled your entry and this challenge :P).
Thanks so much for sharing this story with us!
Dunno why, I got the feeling you enjoyed James/Lily stories... :P (I should get back to Evolution, btw... one day I will...)
I'm so glad you found this believable, even if it doesn't match with your view of the couple! Thank you so much for your positive comments! :)
Also, I'm so glad you thought there was good balance between dialogue and description (something I struggle quite a bit) and also that the second person worked well!
Thank you for pointing those out, I will get back and edit.
Thank you so much for this great review!!!
OHHH MYYY MEEERLIN I love this so much!!
Hi Chiara! ♥
So you start off with a line from one of my favourite songs and I'm already in love with this story ♥
The point of view is such a good choice too. I think the beginning of Lily and James' relationship can be so hard to write sometimes, but this is definitely one of the better ones that I've read! Especially since we're so deep in James' head at first. I think you captured his nervousness really well. Lily's attitude too, especially the part where she gets annoyed at James not accepting a compliment.
The whole thing just felt real after a first kiss - I love it so much! The way Lily sees herself in the mirror is also painfully real, but her reaction to how she sees herself after kissing James is just beautiful.
OH AND THAT SECOND KISS! Arghhh just so good! I knew you could write Marauders ah-maze-ingly but this was just so so so good!!
Really, a beautiful story, my beautiful friend ♥
Hi Bianca! Shake-what?
Ahahah! I love that song too!
Aww... wow... thank you... *blushing* I'm so glad you felt this way!
I love James, he's just so full of love!!! And his nervousness is so endearing, isn't it? And Lily's temper is always so much fun to write!!! :D So glad you think I captured them well!!!
Ah, the mirror bit! So glad you loved that too! You see yourself in a different light when there is a special someone in your life, right?
Aww... Thank you! So, so, so much!!! You know I adore your feedback!!!
All my love, and some more!
*Transferred from HPFF*
Chiara ♥ You wrote a new story, and as a TA! *throws confetti* Congrats on your first chapter as a TA! :D
ahh from the first line I'm in love! That's such a good song and I love the cover of it in Moulin Rouge ♥
And it's in second person! Haha, it's like you got a checklist of things I love and then put them all into this story :P
Aw, awkward James :3 As much as he manages to muck it up, he is able to recover and say what he needs to say, and doesn't totally ruin everything. And she feels the same way! ♥ this scene is just too cute for words. adorable.
Lily and her roommates dancing around was such a sweet scene, I loved it! And the bit when Marlene says James is waiting for her and she dashes out while her friends are just like :O haha that was really amusing. Lily's been keeping some secrets very well! But now it's all out in the open.
You've always believed he was only playing with you, you've always believed you weren't good enough for someone like him. That's the true reason you've rejected him for so long. It was your way to protect yourself, -- oh man I relate to this so, so much. I'd never really thought of low self esteem being a main factor in why Lily constantly rejected James, but since you mention it, I can see it - with James' reputation and popularity he'd be kind of intimidating in a way, and she wouldn't know whether or not she can believe him when he asks her out all the time.
This was such a wonderful fic, Chiara! So fluffy and cute :D :D :D Really excellently written, as well. I particularly liked the opening few lines about blue and green and the different things it makes James think about - that imagery was incredible and beautiful. Great work!!
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
What did I do to deserve such an amazing friend like you???
Thank you so much! Don't you feel proud of being the first reviewer of my first story as a TA? :P So glad you enjoyed it!!!
I love that song too!!! And Moulin Rouge is one of my favourite movies!!! (*cough* Ewan McGregor *cough*)
Well, that's what I did, of course! Ahahah, kidding!!! I love second person too!!!
Awkward James is the cutest! (or maybe not... Remus still remains the cutest, but awkward James is nearly there! :P) I'm glad you found the scene sweet!!!
It's always fun to include some girlish camaraderie! And yes, Lily can't hide her secret feeling anymore... ;)
I always thought she felt that way. James being so popular, probably craved by half the girls in school, and not being known as the most sensible person around would make her doubt the seriousness of his intentions. But we know he was sincere. :D
Aww, thank you!!! I'm so, so glad you enjoyed this story! And the imagery at the beginning! You are the best reviewer ever!!!
Tons of love,
When you first told me you were working on this, I got so excited! I didn't know you had got so far along until yesterday!!!
The opening passage was just brilliance. I loved the imagery it created, but what cinched it for me was how very James Potter the whole thing was! The Quidditch reference and the Forbidden Forest all screams Prongs!
I love how the passages flow from references to the colour to their expression, it's just seamlessly done.
And comparing her attitude towards him and Snape was a lovely touch - it showed exactly how insecure he could be, beneath all his arrogant exterior!
Poor James, why did Lily suddenly yell at him for no reason? He wasn't even being annoying :(
Cue, incoherent gushy squeeing!
AW... James Potter is just so adorable, the way he feels about her, and how he is so dejected that she doesn't feel the same way... and the things he tells her...
Aw, pulling him by the tie to kiss him is my favorite headcanon for Jily, and you managed to write that *sque*
And Lily's PoV was just as perfect if not more. I love that you've brought in her insecurities about herself and her looks - like every normal teenage girl would feel... and the fact that she's fancied him for long but let her own insecurities get in her way... so lovely!!
OMG *sniffs* The A/N... just made me feel so warm!! I love you too dear beta/betee/best HPFF friend. You make my day so much brighter! This is honestly the best way to start my Sunday, and thank you so much for the dedication, and for writing something so brilliant that I'm probably going to reread a million times!
Aww, Ysh!!! *hug* *wub* *hug* *wub* *hug* *wub*
Actually, most of the story was already written when the challenges came out. But then, for some reason, I started to doubt it and I felt stuck and I sort of forgot... But when you told me you were working on something for me, I decided I needed to get back to this! And I'm so happy I did!!!
Ah, I'm so happy you felt that way about the first paragraph! I wanted to make it the most James I could! :D I'm quite sure that's what he would see in her eyes!
Also, it's a relief to know the transactions were smooth. It's something I struggle with a lot...
Ahahah! James can be very insecure... Especially when it comes to Lily... And I'm quite sure he's always been jealous of Snape just as much as Snape has been jealous of him! :D
I know... he didn't deserve the yelling (this time). I guess she was just frustrated that he seemed not to take her seriously...
He is adorable!!! *squeezes James in snowball hug* I love the way he feels for her!!!
Ahahah! Well, you know I love your headcanon!!! :P
So glad you liked Lily's POV as well and that her insecurities felt authentic and relatable! It's a huge relief to know her section worked as well!
Aww... I will always love you, little betee!!! So happy I made you happy!!!